Galantine Knight Misticore

PS3 lol cant believe it was hacked like that, its going to hurt their competition with other consoles

Its funny how you can describe very short descriptions about 4 days in less then a page of text. I would recommend spreading out each event to like 4 or 5 paragraphs, enjoy the short moments allot more and try to build the story that you have created. When I read it I think of my sister on the cellphone telling me about a 4 day weekend and what she did with only 3 minutes to tell me about it. The plot is also kind of jammed up a bit and you need more history to build off of then just that Halloween candy give out(which caught my attention from the start I might add which is hard to do ) So here is my advice, try and tell me a particular event in 5 minutes, read it to yourself out loud and time yourself, you will be amazed at the difference and quality of writing you will get from doing that also you will have more character and a reason for us to take interest. But aside from everything else a nice start at writing, keep it up

I've read several pages so far, very nicely done but I get a little bit lost when it comes to when the main character is expressing an emotion about something, its like a half first person without revealing his whole thought on a certain matter was this intentional? Cause if it is, then It seems fine with me

you know what? I'm going to download it and see if I can get it to work on my laptop Don't get the game it's really bad, I mean so bad that you buy it hoping someone would game with you that they turn you down kind of "bad". Yeah don't get the game. Cause then you have to watch youtube until you feel satisfied that you bought the game, and then find out that was all a waste of time. Course I'm kidding I'm just mad that zombie convinced me to buy it and wont jump on multiplayer with me at the time, hurry up and set up the server.

Yep that sums it up XD

Sorry I meant the body of the foxcat outlined over and over with the colored lines expanding around the foxcat like the foxcat was the center

Try having the lines of the outline of the foxcat and emphasize that way, its just too random for me. Also are you taking a break from Role Play cause I put you non the spot again?

The Breeze from the wind against my ears felt amazing I couldn’t help but stick my head out of the window to feel the breeze, I was already a long way out on the road and sped my way through curves and hills along the shore. I stuck my head back inside and listened to the engine roar with acceleration until I found other cars on the road. I rolled up the windows slightly to give myself enough cover as I passed them; I couldn’t understand why they were driving so slowly. Looking back ahead I felt the car rip through the guardrails and go over a cliff. The car snagged on the guard rail and threw me into the back seat. My head was spinning with gravity pulling me against my will. The car tumbled through a free fall. Suddenly my knee went into my chest as the car hit the ground below rolling heavily against rocks and trees. I tried to scream but all the air was knocked out of me and I was thrown in every direction inside the car as broken glass cut into me from the windows. The car then hit a large tree throwing me against to ceiling of the car. The car then slowly fell back on its wheals making me roll back on the leather seats. The doors were torn open around me and all the windows were broken. It began to rain, my body was broken to the point that I could hardly move without pain. My neck was extremely stiff and I didn’t want to move it. I only saw rain pour down on me soaking me to the damp leather of the car. I listened but heard no one. In the end I was alone, but not the way I wanted. I need help; I tried to sniff the air but I all I smelled was rain and blood. Flash backs took place in my memory of what I did in my life. It was filled with joy and kindness from others and how I meant something to everyone around me. I guess death was only necessary for me back then, now my urge to survive has left me crippled waiting for someone to kill me. I heard footsteps in the rain; they walked closer to me stepping on the broken glass with heavy boots. I closed my eyes to pretend I was dead, but then I heard whoever it was stumble backwards in surprise; I opened my eyes to see a young man holding a fishing pole. He wore straw sandals along with a matching hat. His eyes were wide open as he saw me look at him. It was like he had never seen something like me; it was unusual to me as everyone I knew was never this surprised. He then called out to me in Japanese, “Demon, I mean you no harm! Please, let me go in peace.” I was able to speak but very weakly back to him in the same language, “I… I am not demon, can you help me?” The young man looked around to see if someone was pulling his leg, but then he looked back at me replying, “Yes how can I help?” I'm going to be working this week so you might not see a post for a few days, but don't worry Ill do my best to get on

Each breath was stuffy as I exhaled and inhaled through the mask. By body was numb and my tail was cramped between my legs. Over to my left laid many needles and surgical tools. My mind raced at the sight of the bone saw. I tried to calm myself down saying it was just a standard kit. The nurse in the corner washed her hands and removed her gloves. She walked over to the doctor who was sitting in his rolling chair rubbing his specks clean from fog and sweat. She handed him a pair of gloves. He replied to her, “It’s sad that we had another failed experiment. I was really hoping that he was the one. But orders are to dispose of him and to leave no medical trace between the body parts.” My mind raced, “Were they talking about me, no that can’t be right?” The nurse turned to me and said, “Goodbye Daniel it was nice working with you.” Blood rushed my head to try and pump to the rest of my body. My breathing increased as I blinked my eyes to try and snap out of this dream. “No this has to be a dream; they wouldn’t really do this to me.” A fly buzzed around the room over my eyes. It then landed on my nose tickling me with its feet. “No this isn’t a dream! I must get out!” I tried to move my body, but I was unable to move. I must be under some kind of nerve suppressant. Everything I was telling my body to do stared me back blank in the face. The doctor got up to his chair and began to fiddle with the scalpels laying them all neatly ready to make the incisions to destroy me. Yet all I could do was stare at his backside waiting for him to start his work on me. I tried to think about what to do yet nothing seemed to click. He was turning around now. I closed my eyes and reopened them to see him walk over with a shot. It must be morphine or something but each step felt like an hour long. I tried to think about moving my arm, but wait, I tried that already. Suddenly my sensei’s training hit me with an idea. To move with an empty mind, and just use instinct. I quickly ignored my thoughts and just focused on my body. My finger moved followed by a twitching tail. I could feel the blankets that covered me as well as feel my neck turn slightly. The doctor was tapping the needle and squirted out some fluid. He was ready to begin. “Don’t panic, use an empty mind”, I told myself. The doctor reached down ready to inject me with death when my left arm rose deflecting him away from me. He fell backwards falling on his equipment and medical gear as I quickly rose out of bed and gave him a roundhouse kick to knock him out. I tore off the mask and dressed myself in my Gi that sat folded in a chair next to the operating table. The door was open allowing me to run through. I found two nurses sitting outside so I ran around them into an armed man. He noticed me and quickly drew his weapon. It was clear to me that everyone knew that I was to be disposed of. Quickly I front snap kicked his chest following with a knife hand to break his right collar bone. While he was stunned I turned quickly raising my left paw high with a high round house kick to the side of his temple. His side arm fell at my feet as he fell hard against the floor. Picking it up I ran towards what seemed like the entrance. It made me remember every night that everyone would head this way to leave and comeback the same way. I chose to leave this place before I would be killed so I went in the direction that made sense. Stepping lightly, while using the ninja step I was trained with, I held the side arm low and raising it ready to fire at anyone who would try and stop me at each turn. It was a standard Glock 9 mm, I remember talking about it with one of the guards one day in between inspections of my condition. Yet I knew that this weapon would kill if the bullet hit vulnerable areas. Suddenly another armed guard named Hal walked into the hallway. I opened fire to quickly kill him as blood oozed out the back of his head. Yet I had no time to think if this was good or bad, I needed to focus on escaping this place using the training I was provided. Another guard named Cho ran to the scene causing me to open fire on him as well, killing him at close range. I saw daylight down the hall and soon realized that each gunshot alerted more people towards me. I had to draw them away from me but I couldn’t think of how it could be done. I had to think of what to do and looked back down the hallway of the two dead men that I shot. Flash backs of conversations told me of their families and showed me pictures. But I never met them, how was I to be sure that what they had was real. All they were to me was just meat sacks leaking blood against the clean floor. They could be useful though. I quickly picked up one of them and dragged him over to another hallway to make it look I went that direction. Then I picked up the other one that I shot before and laid him in the other man’s blood. Hopefully this would confuse them. Before leaving I searched Hal’s pants remembering a conversation about a new car he had and showing his keys to the others. It was easy to pull out his keys along with his wallet. Inside the wallet were marked pieces of paper, I thought the papers might come in handy. I ran for the exit and found what looked like land vehicles parked outside. A scream came from inside the complex and knew that it was time to run. Scanning the key I read the signals for the buttons and pressed the unlock button. One of the land vehicles lights came on and I quickly ran over to investigate. The door was unlocked at the handle of the red car. Quickly I made my way to what seemed like the controls. It took a while to figure out but I soon found where the key was inserted. Next I pressed all the pedals but nothing seemed to work, I opened the box next to the side seat and found an operator’s manual. Inside it told me the names of everything in Japanese, a language that I was fluent in. I quickly comprehended that this was an automatic and that the brake pedal was on the left, followed by gas on the right. Soon everything became clear and that all the other buttons were just commodities like music and air-conditioning. I turned the key and hit the gas swerving out of the pavement and down the concrete path. The steering was really tight so it told me right away that it controlled the car. Also the first few times of hitting the gas told me acceleration and how to control it. I then learned that there were different pressures that can be applied to the brakes. I didn’t see any vehicles chasing me so I felt secure on the path I was driving. So I rejoiced in my escape and viewed the many surroundings I passed by. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I knew it would be safe so long as I was away from them. Kind of ironic how the people at the research compound were tying to make him follow commands, without thinking, kind of backfired on them when he put it to practice right? Please post if you like the way the story is flowing with this new character

Yep fixed it thanks

Ah i had the feeling it was a female, nice expression

Chapter 5 The Student Awakes OK I hate introducing interesting character besides the main character and not having any back history before you meet them, its kind of like introducing Robin to Batman without anyone knowing who Robin is. So In the next few days a new character will be introduced along with cuts from the original character where eventually the two will meet, kind of like in star wars with Han solo meeting Luke, also when star wars began with princess Laya and Darth Vader before switching to other characters to carry the story. I'm going to try and attempt the same thing wish me luck The pink blossoms of Japan glitters the air around the fresh green yard. My sensei raised his fist slightly towards me as the tower where I once heard monks pray shadowed him from the sun. Carefully I raised my on fist covered with black and grey fur in a striped pattern. My paws felt the grass tingle between the toes as my claws dug into the earth. The black gi I wore allowed my tail to swing freely as it brushed the cloth. My ears heightened and lowered with each stance as I changed my footing following my sensei. He was a human, but I was not, and my stance wavered slightly. “Concentrate!” He told me as I switched my eyes back to the center of his chest. We continued to walk around each other following each other’s movements, “You must feel the world around you with an empty mind and focus on what is at hand. Do not let your mind wander but accept what you must do in this moment and attack.” His eyes were like rock fixated on me and his sweeping crescent walk made it hard to read his shifting of weight. As we continued to walk the high mountain ranges felt like they were spinning around us along with the walls of the compound. Everything seemed to be in motion around me until I felt the dizzy punch from my sensei causing me to fall to the ground. I licked across my fang to sooth the pain as my sensei held his hand down to help me up, “You lost focus again, this time just watch me.” I replied, “It’s not hard but moderate.” He replied lifting me up to stand, “You mean difficult, your English needs improvement.” I slipped up again for the fourth time. I have been making many mistakes today in both English and my sparing. Yet I could not shake the curiosity of what was outside this place. I was never taught what was outside but to only speak Japanese and now learn English. Everyone around me is human but they all treat me very well as if I was one of them. I rub my elbow feeling the fur lift and rise as I moaned in pain from failing to strike my sensei correctly. He was the only one that seemed to teach me the proper ways of obedience. “Now again, this time no thought.” “Yes sensei!” I raised my leg to perform a double crescent kick and finish with an ax kick. I knew I could do it but still I was thinking about the outside world. I failed and fell down again missing to hit my sensei. “No you are not focused, nurse get the doctor so we can check if there is any problems.” I replied quickly in fear, “It’s not that kind of problem sensei, I can’t seem to quiet my mind like before. I want to see what is outside of this place.” My sensei sighed as the doctor came towards us. He spoke to the doctor in a language that I could not understand. The doctor laughed replying back in English, “We will sedate for further tests, thank you for your time eventually he will obey without question.” The doctor approached me saying, “Come Daniel we need to treat you.” I walked obediently towards him. I didn’t want to give anyone grief, but only to be the perfect person they wanted. As I approached him he gave me a shot into my arm which gave me some pain. After a while I asked him, “Why must I be put through these tests doctor?” The doctor replied, “Because you are special and must receive treatment for your condition.” I replied, “What is my condition doctor?” The doctor replied as my eyes began to fade, “You are not domestic.” “Domestic”, I thought as I began to fall asleep on the examination table hearing more footsteps approach, “I need to find out what that means.”

That's understandable it takes time to build character but don't worry you'll get it. I recommend watching one of your favorite war movies or something that inspires you, even a book that you read which inspires you, and focus at the beginning on how the characters were developed. I'm not asking you to copy plot, but examine the different ways that made the character interesting to you and see if you can recreate the same effect in your own writing. Pay close attention to the detail described, sense your doing first person try to follow the same view. Nice job on the rewrite but still try to spread out the story a bit more, you'll find interesting ways to fill the story with more detail such as describing the friends around the main character as well as main character himself.

No I want more, but I feel like you are rushing the story too fast, kind of like in a movie except you fast-forward through all the less active parts just to view the action. I also feel that with the furries being self aware, yet never reading a book or learn only the cage around them, makes it a bit hard to understand how they were able to handle the guards especially from being grown in a lab. I recommend using more of the animal instinct such as learning how to pounce or using their jaws. Unless they were originally human, you wont know what the gun even does or how to use unless you have them learned from other attempts to escape and become more knowledgeable about that(insert a scene like that to help build their knowledge of how a gun works and to make us understand the scenario better). Perhaps if you add less humanity to the characters and more of a human subconscious with animal mind being the primary, then I can see how they would learn. Or perhaps have them watch videos while in cages as other ways to experiment on their knowledge skills. But I would recommend building with the main character more rather then introduce so many at the start. Perhaps start with the first greeting and describe what you see and how you interact with the other childlike furries. Perhaps their is an animal language that they all share that the scientists don't know about which surprises them of the organized attack. However do not delete anything that you have written so far, instead try to start from the beginning again to insert the story with more explanation and a chance for the audience to connect with the main character, to tell you the truth I cant even remember the main characters name from the first read through which should tell you that I am not even sure of who has significance besides the fact that they were in a plane going down. However I did pretend my own imagination of how I would write this and say that the plot is well written and explains certain hard points well, but it lacks the soft parts of character development and description of surroundings which I am really craving to know. The action is nice and it explains in detail what is going on, but its still a little fast and should involve some inner character description, more then what you have developed so far. Other then that, nice Job on your first post. Its important to be bold and display your work to get feed back, because it will improve your skills in writing as a whole. Also as far as the action goes, you could spread this across 5 more pages if you wanted to, which I think would be better suited to help keep the reader on track.

Like the attitude but what was her pose for?

Riddle Kat don't worry so much about not being perfect in everything you do, we all start from the ground and work our way up, cheer up man So what if you do things that other people don't take an interest in? That's how I felt originally before when I was all about writing, and believe me if you read some of my previous work you'd say, "Wow that totally sucks, who wrote this!?" My best advice is, "Take what you have and run with it, don't walk or stray, or turn around, run straight ahead without looking back until you run off the path!"

Thanks I was a little worried that it would be over the top, I was trying to still keep John's humanity in tact and not let himself be consumed with the idea that he is no longer human. Thanks for the posts Ill keep posting Also as far as publishing I'm not sure who would want to publish a furry sci-fi, know of anyone?

OK I really need a post on this last page cause if i don't get it I wont be able to keep writing unless you guys are comfortable with what I have written, the scene was to try and bring out his humanity that he still has, nothing more and I need to know if that gave you the impression.

Wait, what books have you been reading? Just cause Adam and Eve ate the apple doesn't make us evil??

Any more writing to read on this story?

Oh I didn't know this was digital, Nice work

It means he wants to be separate from society including his own body, I use to feel that way and pretend I had super powers from time-traveler that told me I was from a different time and actually wrote a book on it. Eventually I got back in society but its just a way for me to deal with neglect in high school I guess.

Books, try a whole book shelf full of books on Java, programing and other neat stuff on computers. I even have windows basics "P

ah geez you going to make me take pictures now lol

Well I feel it does give you that attitude of, "I ant gonna take any more of your %$^&!" So you want to try and keep that feeling expressed when you begin to highlight and add more color. Of course certain areas such as the ears and the eyes are skewed with proportion but try to use that to give the attitude a more expressive emotion. Also if your try to use detail on the ears you are going to need to apply that to the rest of the piece, but I recommend to not detail anything so you wont loose that attitude. Other then that a nice rough, cause you got the expression down on the first try.