Galantine Knight Misticore

I agree with you foxbunny about the ways an adverb can build a voice, and Huck Finn is a good example of this. Yet Azariah is still generating the plot and momentum of the story, so it makes sense to give it time when it comes to grammar, and instead give advice on how he can develop the characters, which I like how they are introduced. I'm currently working on some of my own characters for my other writing, and after building up the main character so well its hard to do the same with new characters without using first person to describe them in their own minds. Instead I have to be stuck in the mind of the main character and how he perceives them. It builds up the main character really well, but leaves the others surrounded in mists of uncertainty for the reader to configure, but its difficult to write if you already know all about that other character. I recommend only this, try not to know the other characters and let the story build them with plot. This way you can describe their character through actions, and build personality through dialogue, without it all being done at the start, and also gives you a reason to write about them rather then blankly know what they will do without writing it down in small ways. Remember the other characters are needed to grow the story, you cant last long with only one.

Chapter 3, Mysterious Pet The snow fell across my eyes like white pedals from a blossoming tree. The sun blinded me from everything else, except for that small gentle breeze as the snow rested on the tip of my nose. I could feel myself moving in the flat bed of a truck. My hands and paws were tied to the floor as my exposed chest faced the men with guns sitting around me. Many of them stared at me with silent eyes. Eyes filled both with hate and curiosity. My tail wagged slightly between my open legs brushing across the surface of a standing armed man’s boot. I was a prisoner taken and tied down like I was the hunter’s pride. Turning my head away from them I gave a tug at the ropes only to find them tight. The truck turned quickly causing one of the men to fall from his knees onto my furry belly. I moaned and then growled at the man as he rushed away to the back end of the truck. My head got beaten against by the back end of a rifle as a man spoke angrily to me in Russian. My eye twitched in pain as the wolf inside me took control momentarily barking madly while flaring my teeth at the man who hit me. I didn’t want to stop the wolf, I just let him continue because the men around me grew scared and jumped out of the truck when it stopped. The man with the rifle tried for another hit but my head leaned in on his foot and bit down hard. The man wailed in pain as I tasted blood from removed toes oozing in the man’s boot. I began to jerk away at his boot causing more damage to the man’s foot when I felt a cold metal revolver against me ear click the firing pin ready to shoot. I released the man as he feel off the back of the flatbed gripping his foot. The other man with the revolver unclicked the weapon and said, “Now be a good dog John.” The voice was familiar and I turned to see Leo holding the revolver. My mouth dropped open with my upside down expression as my eyes narrowed on the crowd from the train behind me. I saw behind them two other wolves captured from the fight struggling to break free of their bonds. I asked, “Where are you taking me?” This shocked the armed guards as one of them said something Russian to Leo. Leo responded back, “Oh yes he speaks, unlike the other ones. They were fighting on the train, which is unusual because they usually fight as a pack.” I replied, “But I’m not with them Leo! I swear, I escaped from the lab they were holding me in. I…” Leo drew the revolver against my nose, “Shut it! If I hear you utter another word, I will see to it that you will end up dead, got it? Now be a good dog and lie down!” In that brief moment the wolf inside me licked the gun barrel in curiosity of its taste. Leo took it as if I submitted to his response and holstered the revolver, “Good, now let’s hear your story once we get into a better area. The truck rolled along as I glance around for anything that could tell me where they were taking me. I saw a broken statue in the distance next to a building with burning ruble. I listened to hear a great multitude of cheering and yelling in the distance. The truck pulled into an ally way along with the two other wolves. I gave a farewell glance to the woman who had the suitcase as she was escorted along with the armed gunman. Dark shadows swallowed me up along with Leo and the other gunman. My bonds were untied from the truck and I was pulled into a standing position and forced to follow. The wolf in my head wanted to resist, but I knew full well that was a bad idea with Leo and his revolver.

I agree, the adverb is something you can play around with and not be too problematic especially in first person. Its more of a third person concept if you wanted to go in that direction. However when describing the actions of others while in first person, it will make a difference on the adverb so probably best to follow the rule a little more closely, but when starting out a story who could give a damn about the grammer, that can all be edited later on once you get the story rolling. IF YOU HAD EVER WRITTEN ANY STORY IN YOUR LIFE! Then you know that concentrating heavily on grammar at the start never helps, some times I go through 15 pages before I check and reread to make grammar changes, and even then, that's allot of work! So if someone tries to point out grammar mistakes in a first write up especially when they just wrote it, (and after reading through and have the compassion to know what the reader meant especially if your a fellow author and know the hardships in writing) you can tell them to jump in a lake.

I moved as he activated the emergency brakes and the independent. The train shook from the breaking motion along with the exchanges of force from the other passenger cars. The train soon came to a halt as Leo grabbed a flashlight and said, “Come with me I could use a hand.” We dropped ourselves into about three feet of snow next to the tracks. The sun was already blotted out by the snow clouds and nightfall was just beginning. With each step I made a paw print was created. Leo pushed through the snow shining the light on the tracks to check for needed repair. Our breaths exhaled a thick fog of air as we continued. It was freezing out; Leo had deep coughs as he walked with much concern for the condition of the train. I heard commotion from the passengers as we walked past them investigating the tracks. We were nearing the end when we both heard a scream inside one of the passenger cars. We waited, but nothing else was heard from the passenger car. Leo said, “Go and check out what that was about, I’m nearly done here.” I was nervous, the passenger car was blacked out with no lights turned on. However I remember that the lights were on before we passed it by. I crept in the snow carefully stepping up to the entrance between the cars. Opening the door I entered the silent and dark car. I smelled in pitch blackness and detected a familiar scent. It was blood, fresh blood. My mouth watered, but I was in a nervous wreck, “Did somebody die?” It wasn’t until the lights flickered on that I saw numerous dead bodies lying around in the cabin. I flinched and pulled out the pistol I had in my side holster. Aiming with shaking hands at nothing, my head screams, “Runaway it’s not safe, there could still be something in here.” That’s when I heard it, another scream followed by quick bursts of air from a silenced weapon. Someone was killing the passengers of the train. I had to help! I pushed myself forward with my gun pointed out firmly trying not to think about anything except what was ahead. Taking cover at the switching of cars and glancing quickly into the next cabin I continued on. More dead bodies lay around the car some of them still struggling to grip the flooring. I stepped over them carefully trying to not disturb them. That’s when I was spotted; I dodged as I came under fire from the front cabin. I got behind some seats as bullets chipped away at the wooden framework around me. Pain climbed up my shoulder and I realized that I had been shot. I was angry; it wasn’t the emotion I expected. Instead of fear for my life, I wanted to kill. It was like an over powerful urge to just step out and fire some rounds. Before I realized what I was doing, I was returning fire. My gun released its hot lead followed by a loud bang as it echoed in my ears. The bullets hit there mark as I heard a body fall to the ground. Quickly I advanced forward ducking down and up from cover till I made it to where I had hit someone. I examined a body, but no ordinary one; It was a wolf like me dressed in black camo and assault gear. It had orange fur and the features of a coyote. Its mouth laid open as it coughed blood. I quickly retrieved its weapon and saw more wolves in the front car get into a defensive position. I did what seemed natural and really dumb, I pulled out a grenade that I had from my previous run in and pulled the pin. It flew gracefully out of my hand and rolled perfectly towards them. They yelled “Granata!” and ran back for cover. I opened fire with the assault rifle until the clip ran dry as an explosion tore through the front car. I continued my way forth as I saw two out of the shaken group try to limp to safety. I dropped the assault rifle and drew my handgun firing at them. I saw one drop to the floor as the other made its way to the front of the train. I rolled to the husky looking wolf that just fell and picked up his assault rifle along with a hand gun at his side. My arm still sung its pain as I ducked behind cover. The wolf in my head growled at me to continue my advance. Yet I knew I had to play it safe. I heard passengers in the forward end of the train scream as the wolves armed in front yelled angry Russian threats. Blood oozed along my arm as it dribbled to the floor. My wound seemed really bad so I pulled off my coat and tore my tee-shirt into bandage. With my mouth and other free hand I quickly tied around the gunshot wound on the side of left my arm. I had to be careful, now they had hostages. My mind raced as I saw one of the wolves hold the women with the suitcase at gun point. The wolf in my mind growled more at using another grenade. But I knew better than to do that. Several more wolves began to open fire on me. I needed a better position. I saw the ladder from before and decided to run and climb up it to the roof of the cars. Bullets swirled past me as I made my way up it without suffering more wounds. I quickly ran on top of the car to the front of the train. Bullets whistled through the metal under my feet as the wolves fired bullets into the top of the cabin. The wolves followed me leaving the passengers in the rear cars. They climbed up about the cars and fired more silent bullets in my direction. The train began to move forward as I was nearly jerked off my feat. “Leo must be operating the train”, I thought. I dived back into one of the cars to find it full of scared passengers. They screamed at my presence as I yelled, “Get down.” More bullets hit where I dived in causing people to panic. I returned fire to try and show the passengers that I was fighting back. That’s when it happened, I was hit in the back of the head, by one of them, and I blacked out. Sorry to leave you in suspense like that, but you know I'm a fast writer so please be patient

I really enjoy reading this so far, keep it up, oh and if you need help with anything aviation related such as, altitude compensation with regards to fuel consumption, I'm a certified aircraft mechanic so ask away

Yeah, I like how it was developed, hopefully the next one they put out involves some MMO where you do individual campaigns against other players.

Chapter 2 The Howl of War The command post near Chekhov, Moscow Oblast, was where General Olezhka operated. General Olezhka was enraged when he heard the news of what happened to operation DW concerning subject John Spiel. In Russian “This is outrageous, I want the one in charge of that place to give me more details of the incident now!” The computer AI complied sending a message forward on the database. Afterward the AI replied back electronically in Russian, “The subject is apparently not on base and may have taken shelter in residential areas. However I am still calculating other possible escape routes considering we were not informed the time of the incident.” The AI brought up a map of the compound’s layout that was housing the subject. The residential areas were highlighted in yellow with troop movement labeled in green. The sweat on the general’s forehead showed the amount of pressure he was under. The AI continued, “The operation of DW had been kept secret from the public eye for many years. Now that a subject has escaped, a serious breach of security and political privacy is threatening top officials. We already have the product produced; the subject also carries the vaccine to counteract DW. What are your orders sir?” The blue haze given off from the virtual display lit all of the general’s effects. Letters of resignations of top military officials stacked his desk. Tactical reports pertaining to current events of riots and revolutions that spread around the world lay next to his half empty Vodka. The glass was slightly dirty from constant use. The general pressed hard on his desk feeling his buttoned cuffs scrape the wooden surface. He looked at his pre written resignation. It suffered stains of years past and was dated 1979. He hid it under a file folder. He spoke in urgency, “Find him and eliminate him, this is now our top priority! What are his known escape routes?” He was pointed to several different locations on the digital overhead of the Map. “Close off all possible exits, and intervene all transportation routes, if any civilians spot him, detain them immediately!” “Yes General Olezhka, by the way, there is a chance that the subject could escape by train to Mayak, we have confirmed reports that rebel uprising is significantly high in that area. And troop morale is low for entering the radiated areas. By now a train is 1 hour from being in rebel held areas. It could be transporting the subject, because it arrived during the timeframe the incident occurred what should we do?” The general hesitated and then asked, “Is WS1-4 mobile?” “Only squad four, the other three are awaiting on base. They could be there in 20 minutes.” The general paced around and examined a portrait of an old world war two article. Memories of the war and how he was at the time of young officer filled him with concern. He examined the gold star awarded to him that still shined faintly from the reflection of nearby light. He closed his fist and then spoke, “Tell them to leave none alive.” The train rode easily along the tracks at a decent speed. Snow covered trees whipped past and I glance at each one passing by. I could open the window but was afraid I would do a dog thing and stick my head out. Luckily the train was equipped with single passenger stalls so I was left to my privacy. I knew however that getting out of the country would be even harder to do. Displayed in my cabin flat screen were reports of riots and revolutions that were going on. There may be a chance to get by unnoticed through the mayhem. A lot had happened in just a few years according to this data tablet I was examining next to the seat. Wars had broken out and attempts to solve it peacefully were done with. The last thing I remember was that I was living with my family and trying to learn Russian. Yet I chose not to follow as my brothers and sisters did. How I regret not learning Russian now, but at the same time isolating myself was better considering my current form. Fiddling with my fingers on the data tablet amazed me of how I was still somewhat human. The fingers contained smooth white fur and fingernails that were short and stubby. From a distance it would seem like I was wearing white gloves. My fur concealed beneath the hoody’s cloth made me hot. I searched around and found someone’s suitcase above me. Apparently it was left there by another passenger. I unzipped it and found a plain white tea shirt. I slipped off the hoody as it pulled back on my hairs and made it difficult and unnerving. Eventually the hoody came off and my body was able to finally breathe. Yet I was still hot so I opened the train car window and allowed the air to come in. It was a wonderful feeling. The way the air went against my ears. It cooled me down significantly to where I started to feel cold. I quickly through on the white tea shirt and examined the suitcase further to find a trench coat and hat. I nearly sung hallelujah as I put it on. It was a bit oversized, but concealed me well along with my tail. The color was a warm brown and it brushed against my fur gently. I examined the suitcase some more and found a toothbrush. It brought me back images of when I killed that man, but to shake off the emotion I quickly brushed my teeth and tried to give myself a minty fresh feeling without biting myself. There was a knock at my door and a female speaking in Russian. I froze unsure of what to do. I quickly closed up the suitcase and tried my best to conceal my wolfy features. The wolf in my mind wagged it’s tail as if someone new to play with was about to enter the scene. Before I could say come in the door had opened. I tried to fake a sleeping pose as she entered. She grabbed the suitcase that I had just used with a depressing look, like someone who hated work. She then paused and noticed that I was wearing the trench coat. She opened the suitcase and then shook off hers disappointment. I shook slightly wondering what she would do with a thief in her presence. Yet she had a sympathetic look, I was coiled up tightly as if trying to be warm, and I glanced at her features. She was beautiful wearing a black dress with a fur coat to match. A male voice seemed to call her in the back of the train. She smiled and said something in Russian that I think met, “May it bless you with warmth.” I still didn’t move as she walked away giving the suitcase to I think was her husband. I had to move to another location, in case the man wanted his coat back. Crouching on the floor made me feel my tail wag lightly against the carpet. I sniffed the air smelling in many scents. A lot of old stale ones from previous passengers filled my senses. Yet only a few new ones entered. I could smell that I was between several passengers. I knew that the front cars were less crowded due to them being first class. However there were many in the back giving me a cold feeling to enter their domain. So I chose to take the pleasure of first class walking a stiff casual look. I tried to relax a little, but I knew that the couple who had the suit case went this way. They must have been improperly seated, and moved up while forgetting the suitcase in the first place. I wanted to remove the new disguise but at the same time, it was the only thing that covered me perfectly. I entered a door crossing from freight car to freight car. I heard the wind howling outside as the cars raced along the railing below. To my right was another door to exit the cars and a way to climb a ladder to get on top. I thought of the idea of possibly using that to avoid being detected. However I remember how much colder it gets when influenced by wind. The idea gave me cold goose bumps as I pressed on past partially filled cabins. Then a familiar smell came up and I knew it was the women with the suitcase. She was laughing as her husband fumed his anger seeing his suitcase had been rummaged through. She seemed to enjoy her husband’s frustration. I guess I could only smile at their weird relationship. Car by car I walked along until I felt like I was nearing the front end of the train. I was always curious how Russian trains operated. So I continued on in curiosity passing a man wearing a conductor’s outfit who spoke in an old sweet Russian accent. I spoke up saying, “I’m sorry I don’t speak Russian.” He nearly stumbled to turn and face me. He said astonished, “Are you an American?” I replied, “Yes, why do you speak English?” The man replied with amazement, “Why yes, very well in fact, but it’s nice to keep the speech working from time to time.” He looked at me as I tried to keep myself hidden under the hat. I could see that he wore glasses that where steamed up from his sweat. So I allowed myself a bit more comfort and asked, “Are you the conductor?” The man chuckled to himself, “Why yes, let’s step into my office and I’ll give you a tour, seems like you’re curious anyways, walking all the way here.” He reached over and grabbed a black Ushanka and put it over his head. I’m guessing that he takes it off while on breaks to cool off from the hot engine room. I asked him as we move forward, “What is your name might I ask?” “Leonid, the Greek name is Leonidas, but you can call me Leo.” I responded back, “My name is John.” We walked around as Leo told me the history of the Russian train industry. He mentioned many soviet enterprises that I never heard of as well as explain each ones importance to the train industry. He then brought me to the front car and showed me the different conductor stuff that he did. He told me that it was an easy job, but gets boring from time to time. There was then a sudden shake that vibrated through the whole train. Leo spoke out in urgency, “Step out of the way that was no ordinary bump.”

Yeah, I guess I can be a little impatient:blush:. Is there a way they can rate the thread so I know if the people who don't post enjoy reading it, or does that depend on the number of views it has?

no posts?

Try Pino Fox or Fox Rock

quickly hid myself within hearing distance. After a short pause I could hear the yelling and screaming of horror and distress. I wanted to give up and let them end my life. This idea made sense, to kill my monstrosity, I must end myself. However, I knew that there would be others like me that would face the same circumstances. I must prevent that from happening, but how? I could hear footsteps coming closer of two individuals. They would be on me in seconds. My heart raced as I became strongly excited. It felt like this was a game. That taking out these people was fun and I shunned myself for thinking such thoughts. I had to collect my thoughts and realize the seriousness of the situation; however another part of me was in control. This pleasure of near death situations was making me desire the idea of killing in self-defense. However logic denied it by saying that you’re allowing yourself to be caught there for you are stalking your prey. No I mean murdering innocent people just because I can’t run away. The footsteps got closer as my canines flared up and I could feel a growl coming up. No, this is stupid! They have guns that can kill me easily. Suddenly the emotion of fear hit me so hard that my body was already leaping a high wall and landing just out of their sight. I was running full sprint now with my body crouched forward and low to the ground. A guard was standing in front of my path but I turned unconsciously to the right as if my body was being steered by fear itself. I tried to regain control and command myself to slow down but my feet kicked faster as another guard nearly spotted me just as I dropped 20 feet into an alley. The alley was filled with so many smells. The food was dissatisfying considering I just ate, the thought of eating that man made me hurl again as my nose filled with the scent of blood and stomach acid. I coughed miserably and disappointment took over. My tail curled under me to give me the rude reminder that I was a monster. My hands lay to my side and I did not wish to try and comfort myself. Tears of harsh grieve soon soaked the sides of my nose. I just wanted to die, the idea of what I had done was too much for me to handle. Suddenly there was a sound of panting from an animal. I look over to see where it was coming from. It was the panting of a wolf, the wolf that I fought with earlier sitting in the snow. It was sitting patiently watching me wallow in misery and was wagging its tail. Out of all my grief a friend was in my mind trying to comfort me. The wolf turned his head away as if distracted by a noise. Without realizing it, my body was up in a full sprint as it rushed to duck behind a heating unit. I realized it now; I was not the only one in this body. The reason why I blackout or do unconscious movements is because this wolf in my mind is controlling my primary movements. Whenever I think about something or go into shock, the wolf takes over with pure instinct. It doesn’t care about logic or what seems right. It just does what a wolf is supposed to do, which is killing, eating, and to survive. I understood now why everything seemed like it was my fault. Why different unconscious actions were taking place was from this other mind. I called out to the wolf, “Hey, what do you think you are doing!” My body froze as if it had been discovered and guilt was the response. The wolf turned to face me and sat as if it was trying to be a good dog. I thought up something quick now that I had its attention, “You are being a very BAD dog!” My body growled at my response as if to say, shut up idiot. I realized that this was a wolf and not a dog. It shows emotions but does not take commands from a master. The wolf turned its attention back to the body and growled as guards began to swarm around our area. I could read its emotions; it was willing to die fighting. I quickly leaped at the wolf and barreled into it. The body dropped in the ice as if it lacked a mind to control it. The wolf flared its canines at me as if I really pissed it off. I tried to regain control of the body and felt a sharp pain in my back. The wolf mentally bit me but I didn’t care. We needed to get out of here and I listened to where the guards were coming from. I rose off of the ice hearing the wolf’s bark get fainter and fainter. I heard where the guards were coming and found a path that lead away as the alley divided onto four parts. I was running a full sprint and look back to see heavily armed guards examining the area. Luckily the area was full of ice and my tracks were not visible I wheeled around a corner and slammed into a squad of guards knocking them all over. They were taken completely off guard the wolf inside me was barking kill them! I reacted and picked up one of the dropped assault rifles and aimed it towards the four of them. They were horrified at my sight causing one of them to soil themselves and overflow the area with his stench. I cocked the rifle into fully automatic and spoke, “Not a word, now throw your weapons towards me And lay down face down!” It was the first time I had used my voice and it sounded terrible. I slurred almost every syllable and all the vowels were silent. It sounded as if I had a retarded condition and that I was frustrated with trying to comprehend speaking. The guards were not amused, only slightly more confused. However they dropped their weapons at their feet and lay on the ground away from their weapons. I took this chance and armed myself with an extra fire arm. I realized that I would need clothing to cover my already fur covered body if I am to leave without looking suspicious. I quickly gave a tug on one of the guard’s jacket which he slipped off quickly in fear. I quickly threw it on and then pulled off the man’s pants making me feel weird. I didn’t care enough to stop though cause at this time I needed clothing. I realized in between punching a hole for my tail and zipping up that the squad was all giving me a nervous look. With more control of my voice I yelled, “Eyes to the ground now!” It was weird, but my voice seemed almost exactly as it sounded when I was a human, perhaps a gift from my grandmother? They did so but I still kept my attention to my previous path, any minute now someone was going to peer around that corner. I equipped the utility belt and harnessed the machine gun to my shoulder and across the adjacent hip. My pistol slipped inside its stolen black holster as I adjusted the grenades to my backside. My tail wagged freely in such accomplishment and I felt warmer already from the solid white coat all though the inside was stained with the blood on my fur from my previous victim. The man who was missing his clothing began to sneeze from the cold. I aimed my gun at the squad again to give them a clear message of not to try anything stupid. This caused them to turn away as I tossed their weapons into a nearby dumpster making it difficult to retrieve them. The last thing I acquired was a two way radio as I ran away from the scene. I could hear search party voices calling out to other squads as I made my escape. I could feel the breath of the wolf over my shoulder as if he was satisfied with the way I handled the situation. I continued my course avoiding the areas that search parties would be located in. It wasn’t long before I heard about what had happened to squad I ran into. I could only guess the descriptions of the suspect they gave would make people on the radio ask, “Can you repeat that again, you said it was a walking wolf in white camo over?” I smirk at the conversation while leaping up to a high ridge next to the outer wall. I could not believe the nimbleness and uncanny tricks my body carried. It was more capable then any human, and made everything I did look easy. I was now falling over the high wall and entered a city block that was mostly deserted. I hid my tail up my coat and walked stealthy into the shadow and continued to walk along the cold dark places of the city bumping into the occasional drunk that spoke happily in Russian. My face was hidden with shadow but eventually I ransack an empty room finding an American hoody reading big dog with a white and black dog holding a coke cola. I smirked at the logo and realized the hoody would cover most of my features. Before I put it on I found a shower across the room and quickly tossed off my gear. I laid the side arm close to me as I washed the blood out of my white and black fur. The warm water relaxed my shoulders as I stood their enjoying the warmth. I felt everything from my lower paws to the tips of my ears. Every pore opened up as my head swayed back allowing the water to run down my chest to clean of the final blood stain. I used the shampoo and soap to try and give myself a human scent. I did not want to walk around caring the wet dog smell and alerting people my presence. After the shower I threw on the hoody and a pair of blue jeans which luckily had some Russian bills stuffed in its pocket. The hole for my tail was difficult to cut but eventually I achieved the proper size. The pants were taller then I wanted. However this helped to hide my paws as the jeans dragged along the carpet. I heard some voices in the distance along with the closing of the front door. I quickly gathered my stolen belongings and jumped back out into the alley. I hid behind a nearby car I quickly adjusted my weaponry to hide under my hoody. The machine gun was too big and way to distracting so I hid it under the car and continued my walk down the sidewalk with my sidearm at my side in its holster concealed. I didn’t know where to continue with next, but I have hope it would be far from this place. The wolf in my mind continued to cheerfully wag its tail as if it felt I was in control. I passed by a nearby train station and found a ticket seller. It was the perfect chance to try my disguise. With my hoody over my head I was cast in shadow. I approached the ticket seller and tossed him all the money I had and spoke “One ticket to Mayak please.” The story couldn't be fully edited so here it is in its current state, 2 more pages will be coming soon Also I will have a full attachment of the first chapter in a word document once this is fully edited, Yes this is it chapter one "Bio-Transfer" please post comments if you have them and thanks for viewing.

Try Barksmin or Dancing Tail

OK next two pages will be ready to view soon, they are being edited as we speak.

I love the message and the way you work with colors but I so want to crop this from the upper body and make it a landscape, there is just too much empty space at the bottom and it kind of makes you loose focus at the upper half. Please don't hate me for doing this but I think this will help improve the expression of the piece. http://imgur.com/iSxFO

Thanks that is just the kind of advice and comfort I need guys. I was always poor in English classes, but am slowly getting better. Ill post another page tomorrow once I get it edited, some of the stuff is already pre-written, and I do have the plot worked out. Its just editing and finishing touch that slows me down.

Ok thanks. will do from now on

I love the part when the little guy is hit with all those eggs lol I was actually thinking of Gaston as a character for a bounty hunter in a previous book I wrote, but I couldn't get over his ego, hard to mimic

I realize that some people like to post these things in a attached word document, is that how it is normally done?

I am moving this post to the writing hall please post your comments there please and thank you More will come from there

As the men in uniform dragged me down and out of the ISD my mind was racing. What have I done to be handled like this? Did it have to do with saluting that officer? Was my grandma in trouble? Eventually walking past the lab doors to the sentry guarded gates, I knew that something was very wrong. I struggled to get up but a hard kick was delivered followed by a harsh Russian command. As I entered my eyes saw thousands of body sized vials filled with a glowing blue liquid. My feet dragged across the platforms and below I saw thousands more, some of them being built my mechanics. My heart was beating harder than ever. My sweat made me sick as I was hoisted to my knees with my head pulled back. The next thing I felt was the cold muzzle of a gun to my throat and the yelling of Ariel, “How dare you bring him into this!” The officer that held the gun spoke out, “You have two options, risk his death by your hands or mine.” I saw out of my peripheral vision two men caring out a dissolving corpse with the head of an animal and the body of a human being. Heating up my throat my lunch poured out of my mouth onto one of the officer’s shoes causing him to cuss and strike me in the back of the head. My grandmother cried, “All right, just don’t hurt him anymore.” The officers carried me up to one of the body sized vials and locked me in. I raised my hands to the glass still trying to breathe in through my hot throat. In the process liquid began pouring onto me eating off my clothes and skin. I screamed in horror as blood splattered in all direction causing me to drop down to my knees. My eyes burned with the loss of sight as well as every nerve in my body ceased its painful cry. Relaxation hit me and my head swayed back as I breathed in more of the liquid. Now my mind was raced as my ears filled with liquid. Silence….. The sound of my heart beat is beautiful and steady. The sound becomes more intensified with every beat. As I listen adrenalin kicks in causing my heart to beat faster and louder until the fear of dyeing makes my lungs burst with screams. However my lungs could not scream sense I was drowning now: floating in suspense and agony, as if I was not ready to die. Every second of every minute clicked like an hour had gone by. My head moved dizzily in circles with my neck relaxing at different points. It was torture but a relaxing torture for as my body was being destroyed and yet my mind was still working. Growth was alive in me; the idea that I was overcoming this torture gave me a weird sense of hope. My mouth was being pulled and shaped along with my ears. My feet shriveled into a smaller form and my body altered in both form and condition. I felt stronger and yet weaker in other areas. My legs cracked and rotated along with my ankles. Every motion gave me a sick twitch to my neck as if every blood vessel was exploding and growing anew. My muscles flexed until they tore and grew stronger for the next tear, my heart skipped beats and at one time did a jazz beat. Like water to a flame my skin was washed and then cleaned off. Hairs grew fast and hard many times over. Every pit in my eye popped as it grew bigger and softer. My nose was now tickling with sensation as teeth grew under it. Then a new feeling arrived as my lower back cracked open and a new appendage grew out with bone and flesh. It was as if the tail was already grown from inside my body and then suddenly ejected out. My ears popped and all my senses ceased in life. I was alone in a shell as another walked closer to me. I closed my shell tightly over my mind, yet an ear splitting crack broke my shell in two. In front of my stood a wolf both confused and angry. It charged at me causing me to hit the ground hard. Growling at me with fury I kicked it off with fear and anger. I wanted to kill this wolf, and it wanted to kill me. We exchanged pain and fought. At one time I almost killed it and other times felt death in its jaws. Over time we grew tired and gave up the fight with us both licking our wounds. Then I felt compassion for the wolf and welcomed it to sit by me. With my hand petting its coat our minds become one and I no longer saw myself as just a human anymore, but a man with a wolfs body. “Crack!” What was that? it sounded like the splintering of glass. “Crack!” There I heard it again, this time I was certain of it. The glass must be breaking that surrounds my vial. “Crash!!” My body was flung out onto the metal flooring as blue liquid drenched me with broken glass. My head was in deep pain along with the rest of my body. I felt someone’s hands brush off some glass out of my fur and raise me up to their face. My eyes were still glued shut as I tried to open them. “Shhh… it’s me, just lie still while I give you something to shake off the sickness.” I felt a prickling and it caused me to let out a low muffle. My eyes opened and I felt energy flow through my veins. I could see Ariel my grandma holding me as she cried a few tears out of guilt. I raised my hand to my face and froze. It was a monsters hand covered in fur and had claws. I slowly brought them back into my sight and I shook unsteadily in shock. My hands were no longer human! She could see the traumatic look on my face and quickly tried to comfort me. I couldn’t think or imagine how to react. Still shaking with fear from the shock I felt a cold draft of wind causing my already cold wet body to shake unsteadily in Ariel’s arms. Her hands rubbed against my wet fur as she pulled me up carefully and wrapped a white towel around my body as my feet soaked the metal flooring. She spoke into my ear, “John it’s me.” I tried to speak back but the noise I made was just gargle and teeth chattering. I didn’t realize how long my tongue was as it was already loosely hanging out of my mouth. Ariel spoke carefully to me, “John, I know that you are freaking out right now, but you need to calm down.” I didn’t realize that she was caring my weight. Trying to hold my own weight I felt the ground with my lower paws. I jumped onto her in quick realizing that my feet were paws as she fell back onto her bum with me rolling off her.. She yelled out, “Be still John I almost…” Her voice calmed me down now as I sniffed my paws, without realizing my amazing flexibility. Ariel was able to walk me over to an observation table with a blanket prepared for me to rest on. She motioned me to lay gently on the observation table and not to move drastically. Then another strange feeling involving a soft nudge against my….. Tail! I that I had an extra appendage! I slipped as Ariel was caught me me from falling out of being surprised by. She tried her best to heave me onto the observation table, all my attention to this tail of mine. It was both fascinating and weird. I climbed onto the observation table after feeling Ariel‘s motions and she covered me with a blanket as my body continued to shake from shock. I blinked to allow the light to be more useful and less glaring. Ariel rushed back and forth gathering hospital equipment. I could not help myself, this was too much for me to handle. I began to moan like a dog in sadness, huffing in hard grief for my current condition. I was no longer human, just an animal less than a man. Her hands stroked me gently, “Hang in there John.” Just from one sniff of air I could smell everything. I could tell that Ariel was eating chicken over rice and the smell of sea salt. I could picture the smell in my mind and understand it all perfectly. Smelling again the rest of the area became more obvious. Just ten feet to my left was the smell of alcohol wipes. In the trash to my right was the scent of old cigarette butts that Ariel would smoke when she was stressed. It seemed like more than usual filled the can. I opened my eyes to see dust particles glide around the area from the ventilation system. The sound of fans 20 feet above me and the wind blowing outside the 4 foot thick cement barricade. My senses were increasingly dramatic as if everything was so clear and understandable. I felt the needle in Ariel’s hands which caused me to be defensive. The sound of growling came out of me and rippled in my deep throat. I was threatening her to step back. It wasn’t long before I expressed a sympathetic look and asked for forgiveness. I didn’t mean to growl at her, however she only took another step back as if to think I was purely animal. Ariel asked her eyes wide with fear, “You are John right?” Speaking the answer yes, came out ghesh with a hard kick in the back of the throat. So instead I nodded to her. She relaxed a little and said, “Well don’t bite me; I’m only giving you some shots to help you adapt to environmental bacteria.” After a few quick shots my body began to relax with ease. Suddenly, I could hear familiar voices from afar. Ariel threw another blanket over me and said, “Be still and play dead.” The command was both funny and humiliating. I decided to slow my breathing and listen to the footsteps drew closer along with an unsettling soft paw and claw sounds against the metal floor . Ariel managed to fake tears and wail while clutching me over the blankets, “Look at what you made me do, you killed my only grandchild!” The officer spoke Russian and then followed with, “It was your experiment, now where is the corpse?” I could sense that Ariel was gesturing towards me as one of the officers lifted back the sheet that covered me to expose my face. The Russian gave me a nudge and I did my best to relax and not inhale. He explained to his superior, “She’s right this one’s not breathing.” “Is there a pulse?” He felt with his finger prints along the fur of my neck as I stiffened up under the cover of fur. He replied, “It’s hard to tell, he has a thick coat this one, I can’t make out a pulse. He’s warm but I believe it’s from the fur that covers his body.” The superior upon hearing the reply ordered, “Lets wheel out this sack of wasted effort then. And as for you Areil, let’s not put anymore family members on the waiting list.” “Wait!” I heard the soft voice as my nostrils flared, it wasn’t the voice of just a human but an animal as well. I slowly opened my eye and saw before me another monster of both human and animal just like me. The creature silently walked towards me with its lower paws like a human and lifts the cover enough to reveal me. Its nose breathed along the back of my neck and it licked the side of my ear which caused all my hairs to stand on end. The creature spoke again, so this is the one that carries the antidote? My mind raced, Antidote, what could she mean? Her next response was, “dispose of the body properly in the incinerator, we can’t allow our goals to fail.” The Russian in the back answered, “Yes sir!” The creature then whispered in my ear, “I’ll find you.” And then the creature walked away back to her comrades. The cart I was on began to roll along as the wheels clanked from the ground and squeaked slightly with every forward motion. The superior ordered, “Dispose of this properly, we don’t want any civilians to see this. Take route B-12” The Russian replied with his head slightly dipping a nod, “Aye Sir.” We rolled along through hallways empty except for the passing of guards. Never seeing this place filled my nose with all kinds of scents, like the nervous sweat from soldiers in their offices. Along with meals from a nearby mess hall that made my mouth water. Hunger filled my thoughts until we reached the furnace. I could feel the heat suddenly rise causing me to pant nervously under the sheet. I waited for my chance to escape. I did not want to cause a commotion and tried to study an exit strategy. The cooling vents for the furnace seemed like the best way out. I waited until we got closer to the furnace and the man removed my sheet so he could toss me in. The furnace door opened to the hot pit. My body was sweating from the fear of dying and the desire to kill or be killed. Seconds ticked by me and I could not think of what to do, my mind was screaming run ….run, but another part of me spoke darkly kill …..kill! The man began to push me into the furnace. A man that served his country and knew what dark secrets they were doing. This man was my enemy but what should I do? More we'll come please be patient I had this posted in the wrong section before, please don't think I'm double posting, I will only post this here from now on. Critic please, would love to know your thoughts. Thanks Suddenly the end of my tail felt extremely hot. I whined loudly and began to kick away at the furnace while accidently catching the man with one of my kicks and face planted him against the outside of the furnace. I didn’t care about if anyone heard me, my tail was on fire! I quickly patted the fire out on the table as the man slouches to the ground knocked out. After extinguishing the fire I quickly made my way towards the cooling vent. The vent was barred tightly and I could not find anything to pry it open. My hands were too weak to pry the opening wide enough to get through. I remembered that a wolf had a strong bite so I flare my canines and made short work of the vent. I was inside before I realized how easy I made it look. Adjusting my jaw I taste the scraped metal in my mouth and spat it out while crawling along. I could smell the oil from the fans at the intake and tried to find an intake vent that would lead me outside. My body sweats as the heat of the furnace tried to melt me. I continued the use of my nose until the air in the vent dropped in temperature. I knew I was getting close as I saw snow falling in the distance. I crawl faster towards the smell and met myself with a pair of bars to keep out intruders. Luckily my canines were more than enough to break through. Upon exiting the vent I stop at the point of realizing what I was doing. I had just knocked someone out, I’m running away from the only ones that can help me and it’s cold out here. The man is unconscious he would be up in a few hours and I would no longer be safe. I had to think fast and think of what I need to do. I can’t just hide in the wilderness; I need to find someplace safe, outside of Russia. With all this thinking the cold wind reminded me of the short deadline I had, for instance I am hungry and I wasn’t sure when the next time I could eat would be. I figure the sooner I head out the better. I began walking when a guard dressed in white camouflage popped out of nowhere and spotted me. He freaked out and dropped his radio on the ground while trying to grab it. I ran forward sinking my jaws in his throat as he dropped his weapon in shock. The taste of hot blood filled my mouth and I let go immediately of the poor victim. I cursed myself and shook unnervingly. The man grips his throat and coughs up blood. I pounced around him unsure of what to do thoughts of me committing murder filled my head as the man began to die before me. I tried to say, “Please don’t die!” But all that came out was slurs of pig latin. I cried as I rose him up to try and help him to breath. I took off his white ski mask and face covering and saw the fear in his eyes. Even more pain clutched my heart as I did not know what to do. I looked around for someone to help, but it was just this one guy patrolling. I looked back at him to see his pistol drawn at my forehead. I froze looking at the anger in his eyes as he spoke Russian. His hand shook as he tried to squeeze the trigger. I held my breath as the gun shook unsteadily across my eyes then dropping to the ground with his hand gripped tightly around it. The man stopped breathing and closed his eyes. A sense of relief hit me as well as a cold guilt. I was alive because this man died. With fresh blood dripping from my mouth hunger tried to persuade me that this man tasted good. I slap myself across the head and try to shake off the temptation. To think that I would want to eat someone was never in my sense of hunger. Yet here I am now with the first bite in my mouth and I was savoring each drop of blood as it fills my thirst and made me crave for more. Without realizing it my daydream took control and I was upon the man again taking a second bite. I react with a nervous twitch and jump back from the dead body screaming in my head, “No, No, No!!!” However it was too late, the temptation had control now and I couldn’t help it; this man was my thirst, my food to survive. Everything made sense through hunger and logic took a dive in the pool of absentmindedness. I was an animal and I had to kill in order to survive. Each taste, each sense of fulfilling my wish, made me yearn for more. How could one think when the desire to eat is so overwhelming? I blacked out and time fast forward to when the wolf was satisfied, I snap back into reality. Blood was all over the place the man before me was no longer a man but a half-eaten carcass. My fur was soaked in blood as if I had rolled in it, with that last thought I barf and blood pours past my lips. I cried painfully as the smell of blood filled my sense of smell. I hid myself away from the scene and whimper at my monstrosity. I could not have done this, when… did this happen? My belly aches from the stuffing of flesh and my head swelled with different dramatic emotions. The idea that I had no control over this body infuriated me. That the wolf side of me could understand my situation and act for me without consent. I wish that I was dead, and that none of the things I have done would occur again. I heard footsteps in the distance and

That's cool, its always good to keep footnotes and simple roughs, do you own CADD software, cause I did that in Illustrator?

There I heard it again, this time I was certain of it. The glass must be breaking that surrounds my vial. “Crash!!” My body was flung out onto the metal flooring as blue liquid drenched me with broken glass. My head was in deep pain along with the rest of my body. I felt someone’s hands brush off some glass out of my fur and raise me up to their face. My eyes were still glued shut as I tried to open them. “Shhh… it’s me, just lie still while I give you something to shake off the sickness.” I felt a prickling and it caused me to let out a low muffle. My eyes opened and I felt energy flow through my veins. I could see Ariel my grandma holding me as she cried a few tears out of guilt. I raised my hand to my face and froze. It was a monsters hand covered in fur and had claws. I slowly brought them back into my sight and I shook unsteadily in shock. My hands were no longer human! She could see the traumatic look on my face and quickly tried to comfort me. I couldn’t think or imagine how to react. Still shaking with fear from the shock I felt a cold draft of wind causing my already cold wet body to shake unsteadily in Ariel’s arms. Her hands rubbed against my wet fur as she pulled me up carefully and wrapped a white towel around my body as my feet soaked the metal flooring. She spoke into my ear, “John it’s me.” I tried to speak back but the noise I made was just gargle and teeth chattering. I didn’t realize how long my tongue was as it was already loosely hanging out of my mouth. Ariel spoke carefully to me, “John, I know that you are freaking out right now, but you need to calm down.” I didn’t realize that she was caring my weight. Trying to hold my own weight I felt the ground with my lower paws. I jumped onto her in quick realizing that my feet were paws as she fell back onto her bum with me rolling off her.. She yelled out, “Be still John I almost…” Her voice calmed me down now as I sniffed my paws, without realizing my amazing flexibility. Ariel was able to walk me over to an observation table with a blanket prepared for me to rest on. She motioned me to lay gently on the observation table and not to move drastically. Then another strange feeling involving a soft nudge against my….. Tail! I that I had an extra appendage! I slipped as Ariel was caught me me from falling out of being surprised by. She tried her best to heave me onto the observation table, all my attention to this tail of mine. It was both fascinating and weird. I climbed onto the observation table after feeling Ariel‘s motions and she covered me with a blanket as my body continued to shake from shock. I blinked to allow the light to be more useful and less glaring. Ariel rushed back and forth gathering hospital equipment. I could not help myself, this was too much for me to handle. I began to moan like a dog in sadness, huffing in hard grief for my current condition. I was no longer human, just an animal less than a man. Her hands stroked me gently, “Hang in there John.” Just from one sniff of air I could smell everything. I could tell that Ariel was eating chicken over rice and the smell of sea salt. I could picture the smell in my mind and understand it all perfectly. Smelling again the rest of the area became more obvious. Just ten feet to my left was the smell of alcohol wipes. In the trash to my right was the scent of old cigarette butts that Ariel would smoke when she was stressed. It seemed like more than usual filled the can. I opened my eyes to see dust particles glide around the area from the ventilation system. The sound of fans 20 feet above me and the wind blowing outside the 4 foot thick cement barricade. My senses were increasingly dramatic as if everything was so clear and understandable. I felt the needle in Ariel’s hands which caused me to be defensive. The sound of growling came out of me and rippled in my deep throat. I was threatening her to step back. It wasn’t long before I expressed a sympathetic look and asked for forgiveness. I didn’t mean to growl at her, however she only took another step back as if to think I was purely animal. Ariel asked her eyes wide with fear, “You are John right?” Speaking the answer yes, came out ghesh with a hard kick in the back of the throat. So instead I nodded to her. She relaxed a little and said, “Well don’t bite me; I’m only giving you some shots to help you adapt to environmental bacteria.” Ill try to post a new page every other day depending on how I can manage the editing... Hope you enjoy and thanks for helpful criticism After a few quick shots my body began to relax with ease. Suddenly, I could hear familiar voices from afar. Ariel threw another blanket over me and said, “Be still and play dead.” The command was both funny and humiliating. I decided to slow my breathing and listen to the footsteps drew closer along with an unsettling soft paw and claw sounds against the metal floor . Ariel managed to fake tears and wail while clutching me over the blankets, “Look at what you made me do, you killed my only grandchild!” The officer spoke Russian and then followed with, “It was your experiment, now where is the corpse?” I could sense that Ariel was gesturing towards me as one of the officers lifted back the sheet that covered me to expose my face. The Russian gave me a nudge and I did my best to relax and not inhale. He explained to his superior, “She’s right this one’s not breathing.” “Is there a pulse?” He felt with his finger prints along the fur of my neck as I stiffened up under the cover of fur. He replied, “It’s hard to tell, he has a thick coat this one, I can’t make out a pulse. He’s warm but I believe it’s from the fur that covers his body.” The superior upon hearing the reply ordered, “Lets wheel out this sack of wasted effort then. And as for you Areil, let’s not put anymore family members on the waiting list.” “Wait!” I heard the soft voice as my nostrils flared, it wasn’t the voice of just a human but an animal as well. I slowly opened my eye and saw before me another monster of both human and animal just like me. The creature silently walked towards me with its lower paws like a human and lifts the cover enough to reveal me. Its nose breathed along the back of my neck and it licked the side of my ear which caused all my hairs to stand on end. The creature spoke again, so this is the one that carries the antidote? My mind raced, Antidote, what could she mean? Her next response was, “dispose of the body properly in the incinerator, we can’t allow our goals to fail.” The Russian in the back answered, “Yes sir!” The creature then whispered in my ear, “I’ll find you.” And then the creature walked away back to her comrades. The cart I was on began to roll along as the wheels clanked from the ground and squeaked slightly with every forward motion. The superior ordered, “Dispose of this properly, we don’t want any civilians to see this. Take route B-12” The Russian replied with his head slightly dipping a nod, “Aye Sir.” We rolled along through hallways empty except for the passing of guards. Never seeing this place filled my nose with all kinds of scents, like the nervous sweat from soldiers in their offices. Along with meals from a nearby mess hall that made my mouth water. Hunger filled my thoughts until we reached the furnace. I could feel the heat suddenly rise causing me to pant nervously under the sheet. I waited for my chance to escape. I did not want to cause a commotion and tried to study an exit strategy. The cooling vents for the furnace seemed like the best way out. I waited until we got closer to the furnace and the man removed my sheet so he could toss me in. The furnace door opened to the hot pit. My body was sweating from the fear of dying and the desire to kill or be killed. Seconds ticked by me and I could not think of what to do, my mind was screaming run ….run, but another part of me spoke darkly kill …..kill! The man began to push me into the furnace. A man that served his country and knew what dark secrets they were doing. This man was my enemy but what should I do?

ah so that's how you spell the word fidget (yeah to irritate or mess with) thanks for the help, and Ill try that kind of form, sounds interesting.

I'm trying to improve the telling of the back story through other characters Aka the Russians and the forced scientist, rather then though the personal thoughts of the main character. I thought also that dreams might help with this as well, but I don't think I will get to it until about 3 pages in, would this be a problem you think? Or should it be much sooner than that? Also there is another gruesome and shocking part of the story that comes soon, do you feel I may be going overboard. Trying my best not to reveal it.

Well I'm good with helping to improve the layout of the sketch if you want to send me the rough drafts I'll try and have the other one done soon. As far as speakers go, I'm not so good with that technical side, I could however add measurements and such to give it the classic CADD layout, problem is your written numbers are hard to read. So I will leave them empty for you to write them in.