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Spirit Bear

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Everything posted by Spirit Bear

  1. “For I am sure that neither life nor death, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.†Romans 8:38-39. Do you hear that? NOTHING can separate us. You may feel separated from God, but call out to Him and He will come to you! His love is eternal. It won’t go away. No forces of Hell or man will block it from reaching you if you just believe. The only separation now is that which we ourselves make. So stop separating yourself! He’s right there. Go to Him now.
  2. Spirit Bear

    Prayer of the Empty

    I now wonder if total emptiness still has a drop of something left. God makes it so we can heal. How do we get to Him without something in us to do so? Anyone who has healed or gotten "better" has to have something left to fuel that journey. And so, this prayer is not 100% empty. This prayer pours out with the very last of what is left of the hurt, the desire, the life, the ache, the broken separation, and the pride in us. And He pours into us renewal. How empty is 'empty?' Is it just an idea that Satan, still in his last desperate attempt of trying to keep us in chains of death and nothingness, is employing? God, please just listen to me. I don’t feel anymore. I cannot feel You. I cannot feel hope. I cannot feel love. I can’t even feel pain now. God, I am just so empty. I’m tired of it. I’m dead. I’m nothing. I give up... I ran and fell. I want to live once more. Hear me, God. I’m begging… I’m desperate. I wanna live. I wanna feel. I want joy! I want life! Even pain is better than this. Jesus, come into me… Fill me again. Breath in life. Give emotion. Give hope. Make me… Do You hear me, God? I’m ready to listen, because I’m ready to once again live.
  3. Spirit Bear

    A Christmas Story

    The beginning half is mostly background information, barring the prayers, leading up to a better understanding of the character. The real story begins where he leaves the road into the dunes. As usual, the story is a depressing one but sees some ray of hope in the end. That's typical of my writing, although sometimes I hide it in the story. This all occurred yesterday. He set out to walking on the snowless but cold day, taking a main road he didn’t want to because the air was so unclean. God, I’m just… I’m just both feeling dead and wanting to cry. I know it’s a sign of living, a sign that I feel something… and I thank You for that, but…. I don’t want to feel like this, God. I want to feel alright. I want to no longer hate myself. I want to feel alive. I don’t want to be selfish, but I want to not be what I am. I just want to be happy, but happy never lasts. It doesn’t for so many people, maybe even you. What is real happiness? It seems to just be something so quickly forgotten. Today’s the day the World celebrates Your birthday, Jesus. People are laughing, singing, dancing, making merry like they should in celebration. People are with their families, with friends, playing games and enjoying each other and the smiles on the faces of everyone around them. But not here. So many homes, so many drives overflowing with cars as people hosted get-togethers to have joyous celebration. God, why does home feel so cold? I look at the warm glows emanating from a hundred windows, but our own windows give off a harsh light or nothing at all. The house never feels warm and the air seems oppressive. Yet it’s a Christian home…. He lives with his mom in a small house they were able to get after most of his life in debt and moving-- the first house they had bought since he was born, as they had lost that one when he was 5. The earthy-toned home’s exterior looks cute and full of life with a beautiful garden and pond out front, birds singing and feeding from the feeders, Jack Pines towering up off to the side and the Scotch Pine nearest the house decked out for the holidays-- and the bushes nearest full of bright red ribbons. And even with fishtanks and reptiles, cats and dogs, decorations and painted rooms, the home was still in want of something. I successfully made her Christmas go well, so thank you, God. I’m glad she liked it, and I’m glad the party we threw went well for the others a few days ago. The party was with his sister’s ex-husband, who was dragged there by his current wife, because she came with the children from their former marriages to spread a little joy during a small potluck. Amusingly, they left their gifts and her purse there when they left, thus returning to claim them. But where is Todd, God? You know I want to love him, but I feel neglected…. 4 weeks, God. Where is he? It takes two to make a relationship. What went wrong? I want to give up. I want attention from someone who will actually love me, who will give all I give because I give all I can. And what went wrong the years before I was born. Why did my sister leave when I was born? Why did father beat me, want me gone? Why did You lead me to isolation from a World gone wrong, so that I could not function in it when I tried to return? Why did you take all my pets away so young? Why did you take Steve away? Steve’s death is where his life branched out in 2011. He had been happy with that dog. But as soon as he died, everything came crashing down-- indeed it did as it set off Major Depressive Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, worsened Anxiety, etc. Nothing went right, and two years went by before any help was given to he who hid it all-- and by then the help was too late and, as he wrote once, “They don’t know that their ‘help’ actually hurts.†He abandoned his own friends-- the ones he had left since the others had left-- who themselves were not very real, as he one day discovered-- the day his dog died, actually. But he tried, a few years later, to make friends and thus be the normal kid he always wanted to be. But it never worked out. I feel abandoned, God. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. Joe had been such a good friend, but he claims to the world that all of his friends were fake and never cared. But I tried, God. I did all I could. but nothing is ever enough? And Todd… Where is he? Why can’t I find him..? Am I not enough? And I help find Jon a companion, and he leaves me? I try to make friends, but they ignore me? My “brother†abandons me a few weeks before Christmas, again, and acts as if all we’ve been was nothing? All others I try to befriend just… go away? He left the road and began climbing a dune, the sand cascading down behind him till he reached the knee-high grasses that hold it all in place even when wind tries to whip it away. The dune swelled with its own life, young and old pines and other evergreens, leafless grey-brown trees reaching out for a soft blue sky with wisps of white painted in by some master artist, tracks of deer being the only other prints, and grasses enrobing the dune in a tan-yellow as they wave dormant in a cold December wind. God, I hurt. What happened to a season of joy? Why are millions of people around the World hurting in a season supposedly of joy? Where is the peace you were supposed to bring? Why can’t I feel hope? If the gift you gave was to save mankind, why is it not working? You’re able to do anything, but…. I feel like You’re doing nothing because, frankly, everything is shit regardless of how f***ing hard I try. Nothing is ever enough for others, nor is anything going to be enough for me until everything is better. Where are You? I try to listen to You, so why aren’t You listening to me? We cry out to You and we’re saved, right? Then why are we crying like the children of Yours that we are, and You are not taking care of us? Your children die. Do You even care anymore? I try, God, but I’m always feeling ready to give up because I’m one of the dead too. My spirit may be alive but my body is in decay. There is too much pain, mine and that of others. There is little left, yet You wouldn’t even let me die when I tried. What are You? How can You want us to think You care? His whole reason for coming up here was for a cross. He needed the walk, didn’t know where to go, and ended up drawn to the cross-- the cross he made earlier that year for two dead fauns, stillborns, he had found whilst hiking. He left his prayer he’d been praying throughout the walk, and he asked that God had kept the cross intact; and he went about searching for it, losing hope as he thought he had passed the area, until finally there it sat up ahead-- in some disrepair, tilting at an angle from natural creep, the arm having twisted to the side as the knots of root and soft twig had loosened. But, still, it was intact-- and the symbolic wreath of evergreen still lay in it, dead-brown, but there. He looked out at the dune across the road dividing the area well down below. The neighbouring dune soared higher, waves of yellow grasses blowing in the wind, paths from man and beast ringing around it like garland on a tree-- and trees of green and trees leafless all reaching up, clawing at the sky, spreading wide their branches to celebrate their Creator. I asked to be able to be used by You for good of others and for You. I asked to be taken down the broken road to know what others feel, but I had also asked that you protect me so I’d not be struck down on it too and have to wait till some thing comes to rescue me, if anything would ever come. I wanted You to salvage others through me. But now I need salvaged. Is this why I’m so broken? Because I asked to know it? Is this all for me to learn from, that one day I’d heal and be able to utilize it for others’ eternal benefit or benefit to move them forward in life and out of their own pain? I asked to know exactly how it all feels, but to also be left intact. Is it that it is not possible to be alright when one knows exactly how it feels? Even for a moment, there is no alright, so that I will continually despair like this? God, is this what it all is? How does anyone survive? Oh God, this World is so destroyed! I need someone to come. I’ve been here too long. I know what it’s like. Where is he who will save me from myself and help me up when I cannot? Seemingly without thought, he turned around, knelt, and moved sand to find more stringy roots to repair that which his hands had created months earlier, that which God had let stand…. That which most people will never know, just like they know not that he built one right up here, in a less-hiked dune separating the road from the channel. And he set about repairing the cross. But no one will come, God. They all walk by, maybe stopping just to look and point and somehow benefit themselves for themselves in some unholy way. There is no good Samaritan anymore, for they were all struck down, weren’t they? Your World is in despair because it cut down every good thing, every thing of eternal benefit. We killed Your Son who we celebrate today. We killed Him-- I killed Him. We all killed Him! Did He feel like this too, God? Did He despair over His people, the people He came to save? How will anyone choose Him anymore? Anyone who tries is verbally slaughtered, sometimes physically slaughtered, because of Him. I tried, God. Heck, I still try-- even now as I talk to You and fix up what You have made last. And these pieces of wood and root feel like my only hope. Will You make it last the winter when it does snow? Will this cross, this common symbol now secretly overlooking a thousand people each day, somehow be used for others or for me? Does anyone even reach this far? Am I the only one who will see it? Is this really for all, or were those two stillborn fawns for me, so I’d build this, so there would be some hope in their own death? A reminder of you? Of innocence? I don’t know…. What are You trying to make me know from all this? I’m hurt, confused, feeling alone even though You must be there…. God, what…. And then he remembered what he was like when he built the simple cross: He was unfeeling, unresponsive to emotion from himself or others. Even as he built it for the two dead fawns he buried in the sand, a grave dug a few feet down to keep them from scavengers, and digging without a real shovel… he had felt nothing, but was doing it out of what he thought was a sense of duty-- but could he have been wrong? Still, he built that cross, and then he felt something; yet, he rarely remembered it save for when he passed the dunes every couple of weeks, wondering if it stayed intact or if hikers took it out. But in the end, there it stands. And, so, his hope also stands. His hope is still Christ, even in a world of his own lonely despair-- all in a world he cannot understand and misinterprets every day and refuses to even be a part of anymore. And tears came to his eyes. God, why do You do this? You lead me to doubt, lead me to despair, only to finally then answer me? I don’t know what You’re doing or when You’ll finally make me alright, but I guess You are keeping Your promises…. I know You never promised peace for us all in life. So how will Jesus bring us all peace? I know You answer those who answer to You, but can You please just answer before we despair? Why must we despair? Is it all to learn? Is it different to each of us? What are You doing with all this? Please reveal Your plans, God, because I just… I can’t…. I don’t know. I need more than this to hold onto. I’m weak. You give me the strength, but I feel like it’s hardly enough. Please, God…. What are You doing with all this? And he got up, looked down at his work before making a final adjustment for aesthetic purposes, and continued walking under the waning light.
  4. Spirit Bear

    12/27/15: Law

    "For one in authority is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. He is the servant of God...." Romans chapter 13, verse 4. Essentially, obey the rules-- be it in your town, in your school, on a forum or chat-site. God gives authority and power so that people do not get out of hand. When someone is punished, they are justly punished according to the law if the law is upheld properly. And the law must be upheld. Not often do you see a place with people but no law, and having not had a law for a long time. So obey, just as you're commanded to. But remember that the supreme law is the law of God, and all others are under it.
  5. Spirit Bear

    12/26/15: Pray

    "Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians chapter 5, verse 17. How do we live our entire lives praying? You could do it by living your life for God every day, all day. Whenever something could be prayed on, for praise to Him or a request, say a little prayer in your head. I pray small prayers throughout the day, driving, at school, where I volunteer, or in the woods. I thank God throughout the day, too. It's good for a relationship with Him to be in constant contact, rather than just a time or two daily-- if you even pray daily. "Call to me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah chapter 33, verse 3. Note: God spoke this to Jeremiah, but I think it rings true for most of us. Ask God. He rarely answers when you want or how you want or in a way that makes sense (at least in my experience,) but if you'll listen to Him He will listen to you. He answers because He wants you to know He's there. Of course, we often do not like His answer. It could be a ''yes,'' a ''no,'' or a ''not yet.'' He may seem inconvenient in every way, but He comes through like He says. So don't lose hope, and be open to seeing answers come from most unlikely places-- but watch out: The Devil will try to deceive you. Test it all as to according to His Word, not your wants or likes or that which some man or woman had said or written. The Bible is the truth. Anyone who disagrees should go re-read, or read, the Bible in its entirety and listen as all Scripture is God-breathed, and therefore of God who is truth. Are you praying constantly, or even at all? Read more on praying, its importance, and myths on it here: http://fursforchrist.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1598
  6. Spirit Bear

    12/23/15: Friends

    "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs chapter 17, verse 17. Your true friend will never judge you, will never mock you (maybe playfully,) and will never put you down. The definition of adversity is misfortune, and he will stay with you regardless of a situation. If your mate cheats on and leaves you, if you lose your job and even your home, if you move around with the military (I hope he's not gonna move too, but he'll try to keep in contact,) &c, he'll stick with you and make it known that he's all for you, albeit not necessarily what you stand for. He cares, and he cares for you by showing it. He will not always defend you, for sometimes you are in the wrong. Instead, he'll take the side of right and, even though it totally pisses you off, he'll point out right from wrong, condemning your actions or intent, but not condemning you. He won't use you, abuse you, take from you and not give back. He will respect you. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs chapter 18, verse 24. What's so bad about having a goodly number of friends? Well, can you really give them all the time some of them need? The ones who you'll grow a deep connection with need the most time. Those will last. *Has a lizard walking down my chest right now* You can try to give each the time he needs, but you may experience burn-out from trying to do too much for too many in too little time. And if you don't take care of those friendships, they'll die and suck the life out of you as well. Really, do you like losing friends? Don't you try (well, why am I asking that when I question if people even try much anymore) to salvage friendships and relationships instead of letting them sink? *Has lizard on paw now.* Doesn't it seem like a lot of work? And where is the room for growth if you keep too many to give any real amount of one-on-one time to? You grow more one-on-one rather than in groups. You begin to truly see who is your friend. As for the brother part, any brother worth half of his salt will keep you in line, rebuke you, educate you. That is your true friend-- not the one who condemns you or never lets you know you've done wrong, but the one who gently tells you wrong from right in your actions and intents, the one who will not judge you by comparison but will be almost like a parent. He's someone to look up to, respect, learn from, and lean on. He's trustworthy. He's your friend. Are your friends like this, or are you in want as such as this? Love is patient, love is kind, love does not boast, nor does it take revenge. Do your friends love?
  7. Spirit Bear

    12/23/15: Friends

    Not everyone is meant to preach. Just like not everyone is meant to be an artist, to be good with computers, or to be good with plants. Everyone has something he can do, although when that is revealed.... is up to God. It even seems that gifts change. As for praying, that's great. But neglect sees it fall apart. Pray continuously. Just like a baby needs continuous care, so do the fragile emotions of others. But how will God, who is in Heaven and directs the Spirit to direct us, lead if there is no one to go on His behalf? Of course, most of us are not born to lead. And, often, those who are do not want to go. As for depression: https://i.imgur.com/DTMGGBQ.gif
  8. Spirit Bear

    12/25/15: Born Today

    Interesting. Merry belated Christmas! LOL.
  9. Spirit Bear

    12/25/15: Born Today

    This site is often down on my computer, as it has been all night. Is it down on others', too? "....unto us a child is born, and unto us a son is given. The government shall be upon His shoulders, and His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of His government and peace there will be no end." Isaiah chapter 9, verses 6 and 7. A child would be the foundation of nations. A child would be given great names by all the nations. A child would be eternal. A child will bring the world peace. A child. And that child is Christ Jesus. Merry Christmas.
  10. Not only has Christmas's true meaning become mostly forgotten, but even those who remember it do not often realise its impact. It's become cliche. Heck, I've heard "Merry Christmas!" more on Collector's Weekly than anywhere else-- here, on other forums, on sites, in my town. My Egyptian friend wished me a more hearty merry Christmas more than anyone else, and he's atheist. Standing in line tonight, I was the only one who wished the cashier a merry Christmas. Have we forgotten? Jesus is the reason for the season-- is that slogan America's only reminder as tower and building no longer put up the Star, as the manger scene is taken out of public parks, and as Churches get complaints for a blazing, towering cross lit up with glory God deserves? Are we choosing to forget, even? Or, maybe, you're so wrapped up in gifts (some pun intended, albeit not initially) and doing everything "needed" to make the holiday "complete," that you don't focus on how this is when we celebrate that God gave us the best gift ever? "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over His kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore." Isaiah chapter 9, verses 6 and 7. Peace! Do you not crave it in a hectic world and hectic holiday? Do you not seek rest from all the rushing around? Do you not seek comfort from the idea that you forgot something? Do you not reflect on God, your walk with Him, and who you truly are-- to Him? Are you seeking the worldly form of this holiday, or are you seeking Jesus, who is why it even exists and what it's meant to celebrate? And is it a celebration about Him, or that plus a celebration on forgiveness, love, compassion, and a way to live? Being Christian is about being Christ-like. Christmas is meant to be all about Christ.
  11. Spirit Bear

    12/24/15: Forgetting Christmas

    It wasn't affecting me until this evening, the 25th. I posted that on the 24th (My time at 7:20 PM.) I wasn't able to get on till 8 mins past midnight my time, the 26th. LOL. So my reading for the 25th was rushed to make it in time for most of those behind my time.
  12. Spirit Bear

    12/23/15: Friends

    If we do not reach out to non-Christians, there will be no Christians. We're born innocent and pure, lose that, and have to make the decision on Christ. But most people will never choose God if no one chose to lead them. Christians friends are great. That's why we're here, for they're supposed to encourage us and grow us together. But I'm the type who befriends those far from God and hopes that they, by getting to know me, may see something of God too-- and want to know more. I find who is more open to the idea of God, and who I shouldn't yet even mention God to.
  13. Spirit Bear

    12/23/15: Friends

    Sounds good to me. Now be sure to also make sure your friends know that they're valued. It can be quite awkward to do, but a healthy relationship needs it.
  14. People are constantly wronging each other. Some do it by chance, others do it for fun, and some do it out of spite. How often should we forgive those who hurt us so much? "Then Peter came up and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'" Matthew chapter 18, verses 21 and 22. Jesus means by this that forgiveness should be perpetual. After all, God-- who we constantly wrong with every multi-daily sin-- forgives so that we may live with Him if we choose. He gives us chances (unlimited, even,) to make things right with Him so we can have a love-filled relationship. But be warned: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John chapter 15, verse 2. Any grower of trees knows that a dead branch must be removed before it sucks the life-- in attempt to heal-- out of the rest of the tree. It acts as a weed, killing your crops and destroying your potential for a healthy future. In the time and place the above passage was written, water was scarce. Any plant that did not give food would not be taken care of, and any part of a plant taking up valuable water but not giving fruit would be gotten rid off and likely burned if it could be so it is of some use-- so too were branches. If it doesn't bear fruit, cut it off. It is folly or even sin. And any branch that bears edible fruit must be taken care of to make even more fruit-- so too with relationships. By taking care of them, you will see a yield of joy and life increase. By doing nothing or by letting them waste away, your joy and life in them will wither and bear you nothing. Are you forgiving others only to see their damage once more spread like weeds and choke out life? You are called to forgive, but you're not called to cultivate a crop that causes only damage and decay. Cut it off so that the rest of you may live.
  15. Spirit Bear

    12/16/15: Anger (part 1.)

    Today we'll mention anger, for it's something most of us feel. I myself had anger issues at one point. It's controlled now, for one can control his angry side with willingness, help, patience, and time. "Refrain from anger, and forsake from wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil." Psalm chapter 37, verse 8. This psalm is asking us to not let our anger blow up. When we get angry and lose control of it, we tend to do things that are not Christ-like. And being Christian... well, we're supposed to be Christ-like. Of course, even Christ got angry. Yet his anger was the righteous kind, one geared at immorality and other sinfulness of those in, for example, God's temple. I'll likely cover that later. "For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." James chapter 1, verse 20. This verse seems to contradict what I had above said. One could make that argument, but my argument is this: How often do you act in anger to do that which is good, and therefore of God? If you get really angry-- dare I say violently pissed-- you may become violent. Is that of God, God being Love? Love is slow to anger. The Bible says so (another topic to cover later.) Remember back to when you had an anger that sought to purify something for good, not to destroy and damn. Was there a time? Or was your anger self-interested and self-consuming on a violent rampage to blow up and lash out? We all can get angry. But what will you do when you get angry? Will you try to quash it and feel it bubble beneath as a raging inferno seeking freedom? Will it be uncontainable and explode, it's evil-doing shrapnel piercing all those around you? Will you pray in your beating heart so that God may take control and lower your blood pressure, and thus your intensity, to become calm? Will you just let it go, take a breath, and walk away? Turn the other cheek, even? What will you do next time you get angry?
  16. Spirit Bear

    12/22/15: Hope (Part 1)

    Blame Cobalt-Lukather for this post in his comment on Perseverance (Yes, Cobalt, I blame you. ) "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah chapter 40, verse 31. Let's go straight to the eagles-- yes, we're going to the National Park. JK. Why did the writer choose eagles for the bird? Majestic beauty? Size? Cuz he knew Americans and those in German-Russian parts of the world were gonna use them in their national symbols? No. The writer chose eagles, likely, because they can soar on the winds for countless miles. Flying, they have been tracked 125 miles in one day. They'll ride the winds as far as wind will take them, possibly even sleeping as they soar. Those who give themselves to the Lord are compared here to eagles. Also, read my signature near the bottom of this page. God is with you, and with Him you will live. So seek Him. Wait on Him, open your heart and mind to Him.
  17. Spirit Bear

    12/20/15: Perseverance

    They need hope. Hope is what saved us, for our hope is God. And hope makes strength, and God is strong.
  18. Spirit Bear

    12/20/15: Perseverance

    "And they came, bringing Him a paralytic carried by four men. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by cutting through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the man, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Mark chapter 2, verses 3 through 5. Now THAT is perseverance. They could have tried waiting, swarming like the rest of the crowd when they saw Jesus coming out. They could have hoped that selfless people or an act of God would blaze a path through the mass of people filling the building. They could have been disheartened and gave up in seeing that they could not reach Jesus. They COULD. But they DIDN'T. I don't know if many people would even consider this, and Jesus must have been shocked, but instead they break through the roof of the building to interrupt Jesus to heal their friend. It's not they who needed healing-- in fact, what they did could have gotten them in big trouble. Still, they took the risk for their friend, and in their faith they persevered till they got the desired outcome. Would you go so far as to cut a hole through a roof to interrupt the man who has power over life and death, just to get your friend what he needs when no doctor nor medicine could ever heal him, with God knows what potential penalties hanging over you if someone with authority doesn't like that-- all the while surrounded by countless numbers of people staring at you? How far do you go to get something done? How deep is your perseverance?
  19. Spirit Bear

    Prayer of the Broken:

    This was inspired last night. I won't do a daily prayer like the Bible Reading, but occasionally to make this forum come alive will I do prayers that can indeed be prayed. You don't gotta say this or close your eyes or clasp your hands. But if you're broken too, pray to the One who mends. God, I cannot do this alone. I hurt, so badly. I really need You, because I've made a mess of things and don't know how to fix them. Can they even be fixed? Please, God, what do I do? I'm crying out to You now just as the Bible says, but what now? I just want to cry and breakdown. I want to sleep and not wake. Do you even hear me? You say You do, but do I hear You anymore? I don't know.... You seem so far away and... I just need you now.... Please, Lord.... I know You love me, and You know I love you even when I'm angry and feeling hurt, but.... I just... I don't know, God. You say You want me, but why? Why do you even care about me? Look what I've done. Look what I've thrown away. Look at how far I've run and how I always push You away. Look! I didn't listen. I did as I wanted and got myself here, but now I can't get myself back. Is this where I'm stuck to die? Or is this like they say: It's where I begin. What do You want me to do? I am pretty sure my friends hate me, my family doesn't want me, and everyone will leave me because I'm so messed up. I'm trying not to breakdown, God. I need strength. I need encouragement. I need love. I.... I need You and want You back but don't wanna run again. Will you take me back, God? You say You always forgive, but can You forgive me? Can You still use me for good? You actually still.... love... me? I love You, God. I want to be okay, now. I want to stop messing things up and finally get it right. Can you fix these broken pieces and make beauty? I trust You, Lord. But will You trust me now? Can You... please... answer....
  20. Spirit Bear

    Prayer of the Empty

    That reminded me of The Circle, a series by Ted Dekker.
  21. Spirit Bear

    Prayer of the Broken:

    This was for everyone who feels broken, this being inspired by having been broken and being, as we speak, mended.
  22. Spirit Bear

    The Candle

    Warning, I wrote this abut tonight and what will be tomorrow... It is depressing. I don't know if you all will understand it, but yah. A message typed into the screen, his finger over the button and lightly pushing it-- but not enough to hit it. A surprisingly realistic fake candle’s shadows dancing on the ceiling from within a dark lantern hanging on the wall. He stares, not at the screen, but at the flickering light and patterns on display as it nears its fifth hour. 5 hours, and it goes off for 19 hours. What is the message, and what is important about the light? What is the message of several ex friends trying to reconcile things all in the same week after, for some, months of non-chat? Why does he feel so horrible about the one he wants to love-- as in, why, after 3 weeks to the day of non-see, does he feel like all is lost and dead? What is important about his feelings when he is hurting others because all he knows is the hurt in himself? And the light flickers on, his finger still on the black button as he just stares at the dance on the ceiling, and his eyes moisten. Music filters through his thoughts into his mind. The radio, forgotten once again, plays on. He feels as if everything is pain, and as if everyone hurts him. He knows they don’t try to, but it happens. Today went well (surprisingly,) till the evening hit-- for evening is when he collapses and he is destroyed. Almost every evening. But this one is worse than usual. How can he live when he hates himself, when his heart is dying, when loneliness pervades and regret rips through him, when he feels so immoral for something he never wanted, when scars-- physical and mental-- are constant reminders of when God did not really come through even though he cried out and fought so long and hard? How can he live as his life is blown about like a real flame on a real candle flickering in real motion with real currents of air? Is his life set to end when his own 5 hours are up? A tear, light and cool, rolls down his cheek. And he takes his finger off the button to wipe it away. Will all his pain end and fall away to reveal some grand scheme of God’s own design, one to give him life and hope and peace and some thing called lasting, real happiness? Or is that what he wants to believe from a verse taken out of its real context, a context promising an exiled Israel hope and a future and prosperity. So is he meant, then, to live in despair? Is he meant to dance in winds till he’s snuffed out? Was this all planned, himself having no real control as an all-knowing God knows it would all happen? Is his entire life just a fake candle, shadows and light all there because that’s how things must be? Could it be possible that anyone would understand his thoughts? Does anyone really knows his pains? And if so, what good is that when he still feels them? How would it make it better to know that others may feel just like he does? How do they survive when even now he thinks seriously of suicide? He drove past the lake today-- the big lake, the one known as Lake Michigan. His town’s pier is low and questionable. People get washed off, and die. It stretches out pretty far, into open, deep waters. He had typed the message in response to the need to go to that pier as the waves crash over in the early, oddly snowless, winter. “If you don’t hear from me again, good luck in life.†A simple “Mood message†for his handful of Skype contacts. His newest friend, who doesn’t understand him at all, would be devastated-- after all, he had just that night upset the one sitting there staring at a fake candle as he waits for it to go dark. But what does it matter when you’re dead? At least, after these years of self-Hell which no one knew about till he took those 30 pills, he’ll finally be over. And no one would stop him this time, unlike at the bridge-- was it two years ago now? Every day, and especially the night, is so long… so why do these years of torture go by so quickly? And why is the candle still flickering on? Isn’t it the fifth hour now? He checks the time…. He turned it on at a bit past 6 pm. It’s nearly 1 am. Why has it not ended? It always goes off after 5 hours. And so he waits for the candle to flicker out, so he can post the message, so in the morning he can go down to the pier, so he can try once more to escape this constant problem called himself-- a problem that has been there for over 19 years, and one he cannot solve. Is life a game of Russian Roulette? Every time he gets this bad, to where he goes from “okayâ€-- okay being relative to times such as now-- to “suicidalâ€-- suicidal, for him, being about to act on it-- is just another spin of the chamber for that one bullet that takes you out. He switches tabs. He stares at a chat of “friends†who call themselves Christian, which do one feeble-- pathetic-- attempt to show “caring,†in which they then give up because they truly don’t give a damn about others not themselves, or just like they-- why is he different and isolated? Why did his life-circumstances make it so he’d be very unlikely to be “normal?†Or happy regularly? Or even able to take off a well-thought-out and elaborate mask of happiness that is such an easy act it’s now natural? Some of those “friends†ignore him, often-- and it always seems to be on the times he hurts the worst. Do people not know that…. Never mind. He finally gave up on thinking that those who seem to value him actually, truly ca-- The dim room goes dark save for a dimmed screen illuminating his grey-looking hands and old blue T-shirt. The candle is off, and now he stares blindly at the dark corner where it must still hang. Soon he’ll stare at the waves in the same way, equally as unseeing even with the morning light, as he contemplates deeper than the lake itself. And the question remains: Will his 5 hours be up?
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