Foxbunny, you had some insight, and I was wondering if you had any more or would like to elaborate upon what was suggested yesterday.
And if anyone else has some constructive advice, feel free to share.
What do you like or dislike about the content, grammar, or structure of this poem, keeping in mind that it is intended to be a bit, shall I say, chaotic.
I was struck with inspiration at random per the usual and I must let it out before it fades away or dominates my mind.
A story without a plot,
A rhyme without reason,
Some times more beautiful perhaps
Ah I embrace the existence of some in all their frivolous nature.
However, I am quite perplexed at how many assume that some of the following can exist meaningfully without their mate and counter part
Would you divide true Gemini?
Or part the hand from his work?
For what is land without the water,
but a dull mass of dirt. Period. End of statement, not of song:
What is lyric without voice, free will without choice? Hmm... Oh my this brings more into my mind, I'll let it out lest I endlessly list the meaningless to myself in silence.
What is harmony without melody?
Paint without canvass? Medium without foundation? What a thought, true freedom without direction beautiful for a moment but a moment only. Perhaps this is the pitfall of my unfinished works. A temporary vanity that dissipates into a forgotten thought.
Don't mistake my meaning, (for I'm not sure if there is one.) there is an attractive quality about such creation, but it pulls toward a bigger picture not yet seen.
Perhaps, as memories, fragmented into minute pieces, that without the final sliver, will never be anything greater than
Spare change on a dresser
of value yet overlooked and long forgotten.
I ask you now what I asked myself,
In rhetoric none the less, but I ask,
What is a character without a story?
What is a tale without a single soul?
Which was first? chicken or egg?
Some say egg but I say nay for a chicken will survive without the egg but without a chicken, a simple elipse is without life and placed hardboiled into salad. Put them together and the egg lives, but the hen lives more purposefully.
Alas that fits more into the Grand scheme, a master theme which still lacks bearing on this nonsense I spew in abundance. What is a creator without
Is a story worth writing without a character, or is it become a gentle background without a focal point?
Is a character void without a story in which to live?
Or was the story there all along, composed in the footsteps and wake of our beloved protagonist.
Or was the character shaped out of joys and hardships of her own history.
Who wrote who
The paradox of biography is revealed to me now.
What is white without black?
I think you have some good raw material there. Remember that everything in a poem means. Every punctuation mark or space or capital letter. And the first and last words of a line are also very important (the last mores than the first). Paring things down is very hard, but you end up with a much stronger poem.
You might change that section near the beginning by dropping some words, losing the punctuation and changing the spacing.
plot without story
reason without rhyme
If you really want something to blow your mind you might look up "syncopated sonnet." Tyehimba is an absolute genius with poetry that I still can't even wrap my head around.