Poetry fun

[Jim Floyd† 0]

The idea here is just to show off your poetry skills or give constructive criticism to others. It can be any form of poetry you like, hiakus (if I spelled it right), music, freeform, whatever is the most fun

 

Here's a couple of mine...

 

The few, the proud.

True leaders of our day.

Are sought after by robbers,

Who seek to tear them down.

 

Watch your words, thoughts, and deeds.

And all your secret devious things.

For one day in the future,

To god we'll have to plead.

[riddle kat† 0]

Will we critique as well?

 

 

YYYYYYEEEEEEEES PLZ

[Jim Floyd† 0]

Will we critique as well?

 

 

YYYYYYEEEEEEEES PLZ

 

That is basically what I meant :/

[Jim Floyd† 0]

:-/ Who just removed their own posts? I'm sorry that I haven't replied in time due to some other things in life. SO to whoever it was, I liked the heavy use of metaphors (it stood out to me the most)- especially the one with the potter and mold. And I liked your critique too. It made me realize how much I need to refine my poetry over, and over again and to not rush them.

 

I also decided to pull up two Haikus that I've done in the past...

 

Vagrant

 

Vagrant rank on street.

Fetid rat, or blameless child?

Watchful eyes of shame.

 

Christmas Tree

 

Jungle of color,

Music for opening eyes.

Strangely calming.

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

Day Dream

 

My home is lost

this place runs like a spinning hive

lacking the savoring solitude

and consumes available distance

I eat alone on windy grass

crowded with cool dampness of

fresh smelling earth as I smile at the

buildings. Yet this isolate picture

does not contain truth.

My mind travels through space to

distant battlefields and long

avoided dreams, walking towards

a hand outstretched before

shimmering falls of fire as silver

water licks its feet with glaring

stars and piercing beauty displays

wonders of revolving mystery so fast that

it slings back to earth as my eye catches

a grass hopper chirping.

 

 

One of my first poems in poetry class

---

The birds cry in the night

 

 

 

Spitting blood on clean cement

 

I still manage to hold the sword

 

back shaking in nervous quake

 

ice on the back of my neck

 

I am frozen with fear like icicles in the wind.

 

Violent winds pick me up as another kick rolls into my gut.

 

falling now from a great height I block another strike to the right

 

quick counter with the heat scraping my blade to his feet

 

he smiles that devilish smile as if rain could turn into steam

 

sound of the blade like thunder crack we see each other’s grin.

 

This battle so afraid I was but now I see the blissful glare

 

as reflection of moon bounces in the night each other’s swing filled with crimsoning light.

 

Cut like butter in a knife ice climbs up my splitting side

 

crying like a child with wounded sight brings me tears of painful might

 

raging stab sings it love as burning hurt fills its grudge

 

standing side to side waiting for the silent thud.

 

The tree in the corner across river of glittering falls gives me one last thought

 

how beautiful was this valiant fought fear in love rage is lost

 

as blood puddle greets the night sky with plain mirror of solid flail

 

so do the birds of this distant tree give their final wail.

 

Silent like the buds of a flower I give into gravity in no sweet sorrow.

 

 

 

This was one a little further along in the class hope you enjoy

[Jim Floyd† 0]

What I liked most about both of your poems was the imagery. It wasn't hard picturing what was going on in them, and the similes weren't bad. The birds cry in the night (is that the title?) was cool. Not many poems I read contain fighting scenes, blood, and devilish grins . This wasn't really a critique, because I'm no good at that; it was more of a compliment

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

So far I have enjoyed reading others poems, Thanks for the complement, I enjoy the rhymes Jim and how you can end the poem effectively, but perhaps try working with a smaller topic if trying to perform this, it seams like your trying to get everything in one poem and its all fighting for attention. I liked the smaller topics of Vagrant and Christmas tree, short and sweetly expressed. When ever I write poetry I try to describe an event without fully revealing it all in one statement. The imagery is also important as it draws out the imagination of the reader.

FoxBunny I enjoyed Clay and Two and Done but Birds feels like your trying to explain what the poem means at the end, its better if you leave the reader to find out, cause it will give them something to ponder on. OK enough of my criticism Good work!

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

Yeah I guess if it has to follow a certain form it must work to those constraints, sorry if the criticism was incorrect for I have little experience in "Roundalet" My poems don't seem to follow any kind of form, they just continue with imagery that I try to build upon a story of some kind.

 

Here is another example of what I mean,

 

Nightmare

Paranoid beyond imagination

dreams blurred as white foxes

dance with their silly tails

oh how I wish I were alive to see

the crystal green room filled with

blue gemstones and red daggers

that figit with emotion. Is it not

enough this demon sword that strikes

my soul causing aggravation and misery

like freshly torn black letters thrown into

a turqoise fire as if a joke was to long to tell.

Will I endeavor through pits filled with

silver gray spiders spinning webs made of

stars that distract the mind with each rotation

of a galaxy. Terrified of deep thought like

a cherry swallowed into a green smoothie

makes my heart thirsty, but the counter

is to high for little arms. Yet this in death

is just a dream as I wake up to

find the morning air filled with

sweet smelling rain.

Even then its not over

as a prince parries

with his purple silk jester.

 

 

 

Yeah allot of random imagery thrown together......

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

ah so that's how you spell the word fidget (yeah to irritate or mess with) thanks for the help, and Ill try that kind of form, sounds interesting.