Old short stories

[Pooty_BlaDiBla 0]

So, I am scanning some stuff onto an old flashdrive, and I come across some old stories, back from around 6th and 7th grade. As I am reading them, I go, "These have good potential...(to continue or make into an RP)."

 

Here is the first one:

adamya2010.docx

 

and the second:

7th grade narrative.doc

 

now remember, I was a little kid, and knew not much, but nonetheless, I would like some critique.

 

If I remade them into some sort of bigger, short story, I am of course going to change a bit, maybe even a lot, but there would still be that essence left.

[Direlda† 0]

I don't have time to give a detailed critique, but here are my scattered thoughts.

 

Both stories have promise, but could use a decent amount of revision.

 

For the story about the D-Day landing I think it would be best to change Private Ryan's name seeing as there is a WWII movie about a Private with that name (it's better not to anger the law ninja). Getting rid of the large section headings ("Prologue," "Above and Beyond," etc.) would help the story flow together better. I like having the quote from Ike's speech at the beginning, but it would be better if you had your main character reacting to it as it was said rather than having the clinical sounding "These were Eisenhower’s first words in his famous speech that day." I don't think a private in the US Army would call his superiors "overlords," so you probably should find a different word. Some of the dialogue doesn't quite sound like it would be said by soldiers on an active battlefield.

 

For the other story, there needs to be more of a sense of why this group of people is wandering around looking for food and supplies; there seems to be some sort of war going on, but that is revealed too late in the narrative. You don't have to tell us why there is a war, but it would be nice to know who the opponents are. Is it China, Russia, South American drug cartels, Americans in another civil war, well-armed terrorists, time-traveling Communists, or even Canada? I like that some of the characters call the others by name and some call the others by nicknames, though Preacher doesn't quite fit for a former Catholic priest--try Father. Why does this band of survivors have an RPG? Something like Molotov cocktails would make more sense unless you show us that the region they scavenge in has seen the sort of combat that would result in soldiers leaving behind functional weapons and ammunition. If they have guns, why do they also have a blacksmith? Dialogue could use some work. It would be great to have a better idea of what this group of survivors is trying to accomplish.

 

Hope this helps. It's all I had time for.

[Pooty_BlaDiBla 0]

Oh I definitely know that there needs to be a lot of revision.

 

Yeah I didn't really know much about writing back then...

The main reason why I made his name Ryan, was cause I honestly couldn't think of anything better.

The large settings I made to kind of act as chapter titles, but chapters need to be longer, and not so many so quickly.

For the speech, I'm already getting some more ideas on how they might be talking in their Higgins boat, or their ship heading towards the point of where they wil be put in the landing craft.

Yeah it might sound weird, mainly because it had to be school appropriate.

 

I remember my plan as to what was their purpose, and I even strangely remember it, but I can't reveal it yet. I want it to be read in the story.

It was supposed to be like in a fallout 3 scenario, like after a nuclear war, just everything isn't completely devastated like in Fallout 3.

I thought I was pretty clear on who is fighting who, but clearly I was not. I shall fix that.

I will go through and make all those necessary adjustments. now that I am thinking about it, I think I am gonna even gonna change the beginning part a little.

Also, I might be a little "inspired" by Metro 2033, and may use some things similar to things in the book (metro 2033 is a book too that I am reading).

Well I thought he could be a blacksmith, cause he repairs things, but thinking on that now, it doesn't really make any sense...

and besides, who doesn't want an old fashion katana in the apocalypse? xD

 

 

Oh it helps a lot, its already stimulated ideas in my head =D