Behind Enemy Lines: 2053

[Pooty_BlaDiBla 0]

I think I will start a story too...

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INTRODUCTION

 

"MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE'RE GOING DOWN! I REPEAT, WE ARE GOI-SHHHHHHHHH." October 24, 2053, shot down, behind enemy lines.

 

Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Damien. I had been born in a laboratory. I was, special. I am, what humans would say, a furry. I had been born because of some sick scientist experimenting. He had been fusing male human sperm into a female animal's egg, changing the DNA sequence, and the like. he had done so for all his life, and every single one before me, had been a failure. I was the first success. I was lucky, you could say... No. I was lucky to get out of there with my life.

 

Chapter 1 - ESCAPE!

 

I was 15 when we broke out of there. I was made part wolf, because he, the scientist, fused the male animal's sperm, with a female human egg. I had been the oldest. They had all followed me, most likely, for the reason that I was oldest. We had been living in oppresion, in cages, like animals that they thought we were. We all had nerves of steel. From old to even age 2, because we had been living in such conditions. It smelled of dead rats, and feces. But, after good behavior, they started taking us outside. Outside! We were beyond estatic. We had never seen the sun, breathed the fresh air, or listened to the birds sing. There was a small pool, a, fairly new, jungle gym, and, sometimes, they took us to a firing range, and let us feel the power of the kickback of rifles. That was their fatal flaw... We trained by doing pullups on the jungle gym, upside-down situps, where you would wrap your legs around a horizontal bar, and come all the way up. We perfected how long we could hold our breath underwater and how to swim faster each day. In the end, I was able to hold my breath for 2 minutes and 43 seconds. I had also been the fastest swimmer, with a 50 yard freestyle time of 24.37 seconds. They also got some bigger cages, cleaned the room up, and they moved a TV into our room, and played some war and action movies for us. That's how we learned some of the tactics to carry out in the heat of battle. We each got one request that they would fulfill for us, and I chose to learn Ken-jutsu, after watching, "Shogun". I wanted to be like that Dutch sailor. They gave us some old paperbacks, but I had despised reading. We had also devised a certain code that, When we would say, "up," it really meant ,"down". The same with "left" and "right". We had become stronger and more intelligent than we would imagine ever imagine. I studied the guards' behavior and when they would get off duty and swithched posts. We kept this up, for a few weeks, until I and a few others devised a plan to break us out. We wanted contact with the outside world. It was pretty simple. We would trick a guard into putting his gun down, but since there was more than one, we split into groups to subdue them all. I learned to tell time as well, and plan's deadline was the 17th of august, 2043, my birthday. It would be the best and only birthday present I would receive, If we escaped. They were easy to trick. we took their weapons, sidearms, grenades and took them all captive. Some decided to stay, but most came with us. There were some blast doors we had to get through. We noticed these when we had been walking through the corridors to get to the outside area close to the middle of the facility. We started to move through the halls, until a scientist pushing a cart spotted us. I quickly dispached him with my rifle.

"Are you sure about this?" asked my best friend, Jake. He was also part wolf. Some of us called him "Steel", because he could take lots of damage and keep going.

"Well it's too late to turn back now," I replied. We kept moving towards the first blast door, until the alarm started blaring.

"Oh S***! We gotta get moving, C'MON!" I yelled as we started to sprint. We turned a corner, just to get stopped by a squad of soldiers. Thats when the first firefight began. adrenallin started pumping heavily through my veins. It was probably the same for everyone.

"Flank 'em!" I yelled to Jake.

"How? This is the end of the line! there's no way around!" He yelled back.

"Then cover our rear!" I tossed a grenade towards the enemy position. They quickly threw it back. I risked my life and went into the line of fire to hit it back, and, succesfully, it exploded right behind them. We continued on to the blast door. Carefully stepping over the dead bodies, I got closer to the door control. It was locked by handprint, so I shot it instead, and the door slowly opened. I was the first to slide under it.

"Come on! We don't have much time!" I yelled to the rest. They started to pour out from under it.

"They're right behind us!" Yelled a familiar voice, another mastermind of the plan. Her name was Jess and she was part feline.

"Get going to the next blast door!" I tossed a grenade under the door.

"Oh F***!" yelled an enemy soldier, but it was too late. "BOOOM!" When I got to the next blast door, eveyone was looking at me, dumbfounded.

"What are you doing?!" I yelled.

"We don't know how to open it!" replied Jake.

"Oh for God's sake, get out of the way!" "POW!" I shot the door controls, but it wouldn't budge.

"There must be another switch! look for it!" A few seconds later, someone yelled,"Here! Is this it?"

"Yeah, lookout!" I said back. "POW!" We looked back, and the door was opening.

"Look!" another yelled. Almost everyone gasped. Beyond it we saw trees and grass. It raised our morale a lot, for there were fewer doors than we thought. "Take Cover!" Yelled Jake. Behind us came more guards, guns blazing. A few of us were hit, but I quickly emptied the clip in my rifle, and they were silenced. I reloaded quickly.

"GO, GO, GO!" I yelled when the doors were open. There were 4 guard towers, with snipers in all of them.

"FIRE!" I screamed. "RATATATATATATATATATA!" Everyone who wielded a gun was firing at the towers. "CRACK!" they started firing back. Another of us dropped with a "Thud".

"Keep going!" In a few moments, we were going to be surrounded. We dropped almost everything. I kept my M9 pistol. Then, behind us, we heard the,"BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM!" of a 20mm cannon. Now we REALLY started to drop like flies. There were 32 of us in the beginning, now, only about 13.

"UGH!" I stopped sprinting, turned around, and unloaded my entire clip of my pistol into the emplacement, until it was silenced. I started to run back to the main gates.

"How do we get out?" asked Will, another good friend. He was part bird. Panic was rising in his voice.

"There! A ladder!" I answered. We started to climb up it to the top of the wall. Will didn't fly up the wall, because, unfortunatly, the outside area was too small for him to learn to fly. Thankfully, all the bullets that were being fired at us were missing and hitting all around. After we got to the top, we saw that there was another door control.

"Click!" I tried firing the gun into it, but it was empty.

"RAGH!" I slammed the back end of the gun into the controls. The door, Thankfully, didn't have another control point, and started to open up veeeery slowly. I slid down the ladder to get in front of the door.

"I've always wanted to do that!" I exclaimed with joy. We continued to run through the doors.

"YES! FREEDOM!" someone screamed.

"Not yet. We still have to get through there. The forest."

 

More is on its way, if you guys decide that you want more.

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

No I want more, but I feel like you are rushing the story too fast, kind of like in a movie except you fast-forward through all the less active parts just to view the action. I also feel that with the furries being self aware, yet never reading a book or learn only the cage around them, makes it a bit hard to understand how they were able to handle the guards especially from being grown in a lab. I recommend using more of the animal instinct such as learning how to pounce or using their jaws. Unless they were originally human, you wont know what the gun even does or how to use unless you have them learned from other attempts to escape and become more knowledgeable about that(insert a scene like that to help build their knowledge of how a gun works and to make us understand the scenario better). Perhaps if you add less humanity to the characters and more of a human subconscious with animal mind being the primary, then I can see how they would learn. Or perhaps have them watch videos while in cages as other ways to experiment on their knowledge skills. But I would recommend building with the main character more rather then introduce so many at the start. Perhaps start with the first greeting and describe what you see and how you interact with the other childlike furries. Perhaps their is an animal language that they all share that the scientists don't know about which surprises them of the organized attack.

 

However do not delete anything that you have written so far, instead try to start from the beginning again to insert the story with more explanation and a chance for the audience to connect with the main character, to tell you the truth I cant even remember the main characters name from the first read through which should tell you that I am not even sure of who has significance besides the fact that they were in a plane going down.

 

However I did pretend my own imagination of how I would write this and say that the plot is well written and explains certain hard points well, but it lacks the soft parts of character development and description of surroundings which I am really craving to know. The action is nice and it explains in detail what is going on, but its still a little fast and should involve some inner character description, more then what you have developed so far. Other then that, nice Job on your first post. Its important to be bold and display your work to get feed back, because it will improve your skills in writing as a whole.

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Also as far as the action goes, you could spread this across 5 more pages if you wanted to, which I think would be better suited to help keep the reader on track.

[Pooty_BlaDiBla 0]

this beginning part is more of a flashback, and ill change it a bit, but the only knowledge of things that i REALLY have, is of matters of war...

[Galantine Knight Misticore† 0]

That's understandable it takes time to build character but don't worry you'll get it. I recommend watching one of your favorite war movies or something that inspires you, even a book that you read which inspires you, and focus at the beginning on how the characters were developed. I'm not asking you to copy plot, but examine the different ways that made the character interesting to you and see if you can recreate the same effect in your own writing. Pay close attention to the detail described, sense your doing first person try to follow the same view.

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Nice job on the rewrite but still try to spread out the story a bit more, you'll find interesting ways to fill the story with more detail such as describing the friends around the main character as well as main character himself.

[Pooty_BlaDiBla 0]

okay then... do not expect another chapter for a while...