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#1 Thomas Maltuin

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Posted 12 May 2015 - 04:32 PM

http://hellopoetry.c...ten-thereafter/

I'm open to renaming this poem if anyfur haz an ideaburger.

Digress

Suggestions?

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by: Tomo

 

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#2 Eagle God-Heart

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Posted 12 May 2015 - 04:52 PM

whats it about the sites blocked here?


names are pretty but useless.
-flemeth

it takes a real man to call out sin by its real name.
-unknown

#3 Thomas Maltuin

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Posted 12 May 2015 - 09:07 PM

Sensation al
be it warm,
turn s lightly
frigid as

The moon,
in visible
spectrum by
reflection,

a s un
doing kindled
friend ships
lost to

Frigid
Forgotten
Fall a sea

Edited by Thomas Maltuin, 21 May 2015 - 12:38 AM.

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by: Tomo

 

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Keep moving forward,
 
Forever,
Endeavor.


#4 Eagle God-Heart

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Posted 13 May 2015 - 02:30 PM

from what i could under stand its a nice poem.


names are pretty but useless.
-flemeth

it takes a real man to call out sin by its real name.
-unknown

#5 Thomas Maltuin

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Posted 13 May 2015 - 04:34 PM

Well thank you

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#6 BJbear2001

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Posted 20 May 2015 - 03:45 AM

I don't completely understand the following segment:
"a sun doing kindled friendships lost to"
The sun isn't lost if it is reflected and the moon is not the sun's close friend if it is separated by a visible light spectrum.
I understand this is about the moon and sun greeting and leaving one another, so here's how I would write it:

The sun
In sensual warmth
gives birth

Aire cools
The protoge' steps into vissible spectrum
reflecting its parents light

Changing times
Kindled friendships lost

Frigid
Forgotten
Fall season over seas
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#7 Thomas Maltuin

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Posted 20 May 2015 - 12:42 PM

Actually, that isn't how Intended the poem. The poem was actually meant to be a bit misleading however. Notice the odd spacing. The line before ends with a floating 'a'. If attached to the smallest below it can be interpreted as, "as undoing kindled friendships

This poem may be broken. It was experimental for sure. I was hoping someone would notice that the first stanza could also be read as "sensation albeit warm"

Your interpretation and parody are nice though

Edited by Thomas Maltuin, 20 May 2015 - 01:23 PM.

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by: Tomo

 

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Forever,
Endeavor.


#8 Thomas Maltuin

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Posted 21 May 2015 - 12:39 AM

*made an edit to original post which is also reflected on my hello poetry page. Thank you bjbear for the comment. You helped me realize that the a is better on the next line down.

I'd also like to note, since time has passed and no one here has mentioned it, the last line may also be read as "fallacy"

Edited by Thomas Maltuin, 21 May 2015 - 12:41 AM.

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by: Tomo

 

Don't Give Up!
Keep moving forward,
 
Forever,
Endeavor.


#9 Lu-Man

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Posted 22 May 2015 - 11:24 PM

I would have titled the poem "frigid".  One becomes it seems to be about the loss of a relationship, which can leave one feeling very frigid.  Secondly, because the metaphors surrounding it are dealing with temperature, going from warmth to coldness.  The titling it "frigid" would definitely fit both metaphors.


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